name. Germaine Lai gender. FemaLe age. 16 dob. 23 Nov 1993 astrological sign. sagittaRius zodiac. rOosteR buddies. quality is always betteR than quantity ..♥ emails. ggermainee@hotmail.com or ggermainee@yahoo.com Click at y0ur own risK :X
. junk food
. sour candy
. sweet chocolates
. animals
. day & night dreaming
. my fabulous father
. my gorgeous sister
. genuine people
. world peace
. a normal, if not happy, family
. for my mother to be her old self again
. for my sister to be successful all the way through
. for my father not to work so hard and to relax a little
. for myself not to be so pathetic in life
. everything ...
. abusers
. liars
. certain insects
. people who take me for granted
. people who make fun of me
. gossipers
. backstabbers
. betrayers
. rude and uncouth people
. hypocrites
. pretenders
. selfish, greedy & thoughtless people
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Dear readers,
I am so very sorry.. I knew I had promised you guys before that I would keep writing in my blog as frequently as I could, yet I am unable to stick to that promise.
It's just that, I find nothing interesting in my life to share about anymore. Everyday is almost always the same old monotonous routine. The bit of colors seeps out of my soul and drains the happiness of life slowly and surely, sucking all the joy out of it and throwing my world into a pitch-black darkness full of bitterness.
I wished I could get over all this unnecessary emotional sufferings and just be simply happy. To go through each day without a painful wound in my heart and heavy boulders being chained to my feet. But this persistent shroud of depression wraps around me like a snake, unwilling to release.
If I could ask for anything in the world; I'd want peace for my soul and to stop feeling so bitter, so full of hatred everyday. The worst part is, I had to conceal my real feelings in front of my family and people and forced to put on a happy, normal front every time. Nobody will ever know how I really and truly felt inside. It's like some demon tearing me up apart and throwing the bits and pieces everywhere, making sure I'd never find my way.
It definitely doesn't help matters anymore now that my father's woman (Aunt Ivy) has come to live with us. I am not saying Aunt Ivy is a completely bad person. She did take care of my dad and kept him company, as well as looking after my grandmother. So long my father is happy being with her, I can sacrifice anything. But she tends to look down on damned people like me, and particularly on me. As if my own grandmother aren't enough to add to my troubles already.
And whoever else associated with me, Aunt Ivy damns them too. Just like the time she commented about my God-sister Rachel jie. It was during a conversation between my elder sister and her, and then she said something pretty unpleasant. I do not wish to go into this in detail, because it's useless to repeat anyway. But it sure doesn't felt nice.
I even stopped revising for my O levels already. I just could not concentrate. Too many people are beating up my insides everyday. I am only human. I have limits too.
Could this be the turning point into something worse? I don't know. I cannot even complete my O levels successfully. I wasted Rachel jie and my elder sister's efforts too. The word "WORTHLESS GIRL" keeps flashing in front of my eyes the moment I wakes up and stayed with me until the time I go to sleep and it will always be there forever. Yes. Germaine, the hopeless girl who wastes everyone's time.
I never get encouragement here. Rather it's the other way round. Maybe that is why I'm having such a hard time seeing through things. Or maybe there is just something wrong with me, period.
I feel exceptionally tired these days. Perhaps my wishes are coming true and I'm coming down with a disease. If it is so, I hope it is a terminal one. I don't want to live a second longer. I am not ashamed to say I have been praying to God all along just to ask him to let me die a little faster and rid me of all my worldly problems. Something is dreadfully wrong with me. I think I have blown a fuse somewhere in the depths of my brain. I don't want to have to keep bothering people and possibly making them fall into the quicksand with me. I tried to feel God but failed many times. Am I destined to be damned above and below as well?