name. Germaine Lai gender. FemaLe age. 16 dob. 23 Nov 1993 astrological sign. sagittaRius zodiac. rOosteR buddies. quality is always betteR than quantity ..♥ emails. ggermainee@hotmail.com or ggermainee@yahoo.com Click at y0ur own risK :X
. junk food
. sour candy
. sweet chocolates
. animals
. day & night dreaming
. my fabulous father
. my gorgeous sister
. genuine people
. world peace
. a normal, if not happy, family
. for my mother to be her old self again
. for my sister to be successful all the way through
. for my father not to work so hard and to relax a little
. for myself not to be so pathetic in life
. everything ...
. abusers
. liars
. certain insects
. people who take me for granted
. people who make fun of me
. gossipers
. backstabbers
. betrayers
. rude and uncouth people
. hypocrites
. pretenders
. selfish, greedy & thoughtless people
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Everyone... I have a very unpleasant confession to make.
I am so very sorry. This will be my last post here and from hereon I will not be writing in my blog anymore.
I apologize for my blog that I've invested so much of my time, effort and soul in it only to bring it to an abrupt halt just like that.
I just don't feel like I want to continue writing anymore. I will be frank with you. Life, all this while, has actually held no meaning for me. I lied, okay? In fact, I am aware my writing doesn't even have a standard like what those highly educated professional people have. Or at least just plain educated with a good certificate to get by. I am a lowly educated, or perhaps not even educated at all slightly retarded as well as an illiterate teenage girl who has been pretending for most of her lifetime. And, here's another alarming fact I am going to let you guys know:
Even though I have my loving father, sister, Rach jie, and all these dear people close to me, I am still dead on the inside. On the front, I pretend I am okay and put on a strong face and I thought I could bluff and tell myself, "hey girl, you're not that bad. You can do it" but the fact is, deep down, there is really nothing I feel. I have become numb. There's only emptiness in me. The damage is too great. In fact I think I even have mental issues with myself, let alone my mother.
I am only consoling myself. Trying to ease my incurable pain by thinking of things that never were. Dreaming. Hiding from the ugly truth. Pretending I am a normal girl with just some tiny little differences but nobody should notice them much. Living only for the sake of living.
In a basket load of normal, good apples, there is one rotten apple sticking out like an eyesore. No matter how many times you peel or cut away the rotted flesh, in the end, people will still look at you one kind and think perhaps more than just thrice before eating you, for fear of getting a horrible stomachache. And you will STILL be the ONLY apple DIFFERENT from all the others. You'd still stand out like a maggot amongst a bed of roses. Like a screwworm amongst a group of butterflies. Like a black sheep amongst a herd of white sheep.
I am unfortunately, sadly that rotten apple, maggot, screwworm as well as that black sheep. Unless a miracle happened and I became some kind of famous movie star or a top model, maybe it still wouldn't be too bad but then, like I said, I would definitely need more than just a simple miracle even for that to happen!
I learn all my English from reading American comic books, like The Archies series. You can google it. I have been engrossed in them ever since after my elder sister taught me the basic Alphabet and how to read and write until now. When people found out that collecting and reading The Archies comics is one of my hobbies, (I had already expected what their reaction would be) they laughed, and chided me for wasting money and time on comics.
But what they don't know is, without my Archie comics, I don't think I will even be able to write at all let alone read right now!!! By than I'd be really hopelessly fully illiterate and retarded with shit for brains! I would be even worse than a handicap because I am a normal person (meaning, no sort of disabilities whatsoever) yet I cannot read nor write! Or speak!
I am not saying I want to commit suicide. I would have, only because I do not have the guts or courage to kill myself. I am saying, should death ever darken my doorstep one day, I would gladly welcome it with open arms. I know it sounds gross. But I think, given my kind of situation, death is much better than staying alive and being the pinhead in a bowling alley lane waiting for people to knock me down as they wished. I can't immune myself to it much longer. It's getting to me.
I try never to get myself too involved with other people and only talk when necessary but I am always STILL being compared to those naturally better off than me (a fine example would be my elder sister and me. If the world knows my sis goes to a prestigious institute in Singapore and about to get her diploma, her dream job, her dream car, everything, whereas her younger sister and that's ME, never had school, has lower-than-a-snake's-belly-button low education, only good at doing chores and a little bit of this and that, what do you think?) I know those people have nothing better to do and only compares those worse off than themselves so they feel better inside. But I hate to be one of the subjects. I hate to be used like a sheet of toilet paper and then swiftly discarded only to be recycled and the whole thing starts all over again. I mean geez, don't these people ever feel tired of comparing stuff all the time?
One thing is certain.
Should I wind up as a lowly and hardly respected road sweeper, garbage worker, dish washer, floor cleaner, grass cutter, toilet cleaner one day, or worse,
At least I will be earning an honest living on my own and working hard for my money to support myself. And should I die, at least I will die with a clear conscience.
You know these people, although their jobs are not very highly thought of and their salaries are not big, I admire them! I admire them for the way they chose to slog it out and earn money the right way instead of doing crimes and thinking of ways to make money without putting in any effort.
Let's say these employees aren't around to help collect the rubbish, sweep the floor or road, wash the plates, pots and pans, wash the public toilets, and all the gruesomely dirty jobs that will send a shiver down your spine once you think of it, will YOU do it? Even though the pay is not very good? The measly money they earn is all they have to support themselves or their families. They work round the clock because they do not have much of a choice. While the rest of us are living in big comfortable houses with air-conditioning, a color television, a computer, a laptop, a video game device, cellphones, good food, everything. And some still complain of having not enough. =_=ll
Even a dollar goes a loooooooong way for those needy people and charities.
That is why even if I get a job that nobody else would most likely want to have, I will not feel shy about it!
Okay I wanna sleep. Last words before I go:
Papa, Ah Jie, Rach jie, Yani, uncle Eric and aunt Christina, Sabrina jie, Meijie, my friends and all dear to me,
You are the best. I love you all. Just don't end up like me. Cherish what you have, cherish your studies, your education, cherish your family or loved ones, and help others when in need.
My life has already been cursed from the moment I was born. I cannot salvage much. It's pointless.
But I will try to keep alive and continue to do my best as a beating punch bag for the others and with luck, perhaps I will get into a fatal accident one day and my wish for eternal peace and tranquility will be granted. Then I wouldn't have to be a burden to everyone too. I'd spare my dad the shame when guests ask him questions. Or have to embarrass my sister in front of her friends when they asks her about me.
NOTE! Although my dad or sis might not care nor mind what people will think of him / her when they find out about me, I CARE because I have pride! I HATE when people aimed for my father and always thinks he is the one at fault for making my life like this but no. You're dead wrong. And my sister has dignity. Her pride is highly important in her workforce. If word gets around that my sister is connected to a nobody like me, she would be ruined and it will be all my fault. This is MY problem, and MY problem that is dragging everyone else down! Don't you see?
Don't bother encouraging me.
Don't let me cling onto any false hopes that my life may turn out for the better. It is no use.
My soul's dead. It can never be revived. It's only my body that's alive and talking and putting on a normal smiling face, when all else has already rotted away inside. I feel like a robot.
A robot amongst a group of human beings. The abnormal one. The unusual one. The strange one. The weird one. (laughs)
A robot programmed only to sleep, eat, do chores, do whatever my dad needs help with, do a bit of this and that, go out in a family group and pretend to smile and laugh, pretend...
Pretend's a cursed word.
One more important thing: I am not writing all this out of anger. Every bit of word that I had said is entirely true. You may take it or leave it.
I live only for what's left of my remaining family members, my father and sister. I know they really truly love me despite my hideous background, my pathetic condition, my worthless status. I think they're just too seriously busy to show it. If (touchwood) should the day comes that they either broke ties with me or, is too ashamed to admit to the world that I am his daughter / her younger sister,
I WILL die. No kidding. I will not hesitate to grab a knife and thrust it through my own heart, jump off a skyscraper, or drink / eat poison. Besides it won't make even a slight difference if one less person is gone on earth.
I am tired. This is my last and final sentence. Farewell my dear readers. I sincerely hoped you guys enjoyed reading my blog and will not mind my putrid English. Once again I am sorry I had to close this blog down. I don't trust nor believe in myself anymore. Everyone is laughing, always laughing, at me... It's like 99.99% of the world's population is in a conspiracy against me. How long can I go on?
Life, suck. ♥ It was all a big mistake. I shouldn't be born.
I am going to have to make this my shortest post ever, because I think I feel a splitting headache coming on. >_<
I will be going back to my hometown Singapore either tomorrow or Monday.
But unfortunately I can't remain there.
I go because my stay in Malaysia is expiring soon, as stated in my passport. Otherwise the authorities would hunt me down and throw me in jail for overstaying, haha.
So, during the time I'm in Singapore, I will not be able to access my blog and update it there. Unless I pay for internet services outside and that's gonna cost a bomb, lol.
Rest assured, I will continue writing once I'm back to Malaysia. =)
Okay, I need to rest. The headache is getting worse. =_=ll
I would like to give a speech of my own, before I forget about it entirely.
I just want to thank the few sincere friends I had, my beloved family (namely my father and elder sister), my closest relatives, as well as my awesome cousins for reading and supporting my blog, offering positive comments, keeping me company whenever I'm bored, sticking it out with me in times of good or bad, making me happy, laugh, and smile, giving me hope and reasons to live on, never looking down on me and loving me for I am. Thank you so much, everybody! Your kindness shall never go to waste or unnoticed and will remain in the depths of my heart for as long as I'm alive, deeply cherished and eternally remembered. ♥ Glad you guys enjoyed my writing. (:
Actually, the reason why I have recently started blogging out of a sudden is because, should I ever die one day, at least a part of me will remain on earth, and I wanted to let the world know about my sorry life history, my pathetic background, my ruined existence, and hopefully that whoever were contemplating dropping out of school, have a loving family but couldn't care less, does not treasure education, or had both family and education but still think you're no better off, after reading my stories that I had written, please do think thrice. There are a lot of other people out there who would give an arm and a leg to have what YOU have. You just don't realize it until it becomes too late.
When I was a small, innocent little girl, before I dropped out of school and became a loner most of the time, before my beloved mother lost her mind, before my father got together with aunt Ivy, before my elder sister got separated from me because she ran from home at an early age, and everything is just perfectly peachy, I was a fool because I did not fully cherish it all.
Now everything is gone. Just like that. No matter how I wished and longed to enjoy my precious childhood life once again, go back into the past and alter what could possibly still be a normal, happy future for me and my family, it won't and will never happen. Maybe only in dreams and illusions.
Even if mummy were normal but dad still left her for aunt Ivy anyway, at least, I will have a school, an proper education, and I will not be a loner because I have my own friends whom I can get to socialize with in person. I wouldn't have to walk around outside with my head down in shame, having to tolerate people cruelly laughing at me, poking fun at me, being That Girl Who Never Goes To School as well as a series of other names which I don't feel like elaborating. But I believe in retribution. Sooner or later, these people will get their just desserts for all that they've said.
Since I can't continue on crying over spilled milk, I have learnt to try to clean up the mess and just buy a fresh new milk carton instead. I now cherish every single thing dear to me right this moment.
So long as I have my wonderful father and sister who is all the world to me, it's good enough. They will always be irreplaceablein my heart. I have said it before and I will say it again: Pa Pa, and Ah Jie, I love you both LOADS!! If it wasn't for you two, I definitely will have attempted suicide a LONG time ago! You guys kept me alive ♥
And of course, not to forget Rach jie, as well as a few others. I love you all too! ♥
Was supposed to rise and shine at about 8am today. But as usual, I hated rising and I hated the shine too.
Naturally, when the alarm rang, my hand immediately reached to press the snooze button as though it's automated.
And, of course, I stayed in my deep slumber until about 10-11am+. lol.
The only difference is, instead of my alarm forcing me to wake up again from my beautiful all-the-food-I-can-eat-without-getting-fat dream, my youngest puppy Wong Choi beat it first. He waltzed into my room, barked and barked until I drowsily sat upright on my bed and when I put my feet down, he eagerly rushed to my side and pawed at my legs excitedly, licking my hands once I bent down to touch him. I than held and cuddled him tight, caressing his fur. ♥
Sometimes, I let Wong sleep with me in my room when nobody is noticing, or try to sneak him in. (shhh... Secret, kays?) otherwise, on those nights when he got caught red-pawed and then banished to sleep back downstairs, once nobody's paying any attention to him, he would never fail to trot up the stairs every morning to look for me and disturb my sleep. ♥
Even if my door happens to be closed, that didn't deter him. He would still remain outside my room, whining loudly and scratching at my door to get inside. Or if the door's only slightly closed, he would nudge it with his cute little nose to see if he could push it open and come inside. Clever rascal, isn't he? ^^
Anyway, soon I went to wash up as usual.
I hesitated when I looked at the flight of stairs leading down. It is always like this everyday. I have developed a phobia of facing my grandmother, wondering if she is gripping any knives behind her back, ready to throw at me once I'm within target, or just a basket load of rotten tomatoes by her side, ready to fling them at me anyway.
Day after day, I slowly healed from the wounds where her knives had hit me, or just cleaned myself up each time a rotten tomato got me. This has disgustingly became a daily routine so much so that I'm actually kind of immune to it already.
But sometimes, the wounds got so deep, it is a little more difficult to heal, and sometimes, when bits and pieces of a rotten tomato got stuck in my hair, ears, nose, mouth, and eyes, it takes a little longer to clean it out too. So, as long I survived, this knife-throwing and rotten tomato-flinging will continue until the day either one of us, or both, dies. I am serious.
While I'm pondering should I force myself to take a step or remain in the safe haven of my room, I caught a glimpse of aunt Ivy coming out from her room, closing her door before briskly walking downstairs and greeting my grandmother.
I than heard my grandmother return her greeting happily and cheerfully.
"sounds like grandma is in a okay mood today," I thought. Worrying less with my doubt eased, I'm going to go and complete some chores, like washing the laundry. I grabbed a basket from my room, proceeded down and greeted my grandma as well.
Unfortunately it seemed that my assumption is woefully wrong.
When grandma saw that I'm about to do the laundry, she quickly whipped out a long, sharp knife from behind her back and aimed it directly at my abdomen. Leaving me to bleed, she distastefully questioned me why I didn't wash the bed sheets and pillow cases as well, even though I WAS just going to do that, but I see no point in arguing and agitating her further. I struggled to pull the knife out, blood dripping along as it slowly slided out from my belly, trying to maintain my wound and the blinding pain, while I hobbled over to yank the stupid sheets off the bed and just stuff the whole damned things in.
Don't worry. I won't die. Grandma can't kill me that fast. There's still tomorrow to contend with. And besides, like I said, it's not the first time nor will it be the last.
After nursing my wound, I carefully double-checked to see if there are any other more jobs I have to accomplish before I get another knife thrown at me again, and with luck, it will probably slice right through my heart or pierce through my face.
I don't care if some of you think that perhaps I am just exaggerating or crap, but this is how I see my grandmother. It's pathetic, I know. And if you think that perhaps my grandmother may not be as bad as I make her out to be, try living with her for a while. If you can tolerate her for at least 3 months, you're god damned blessed.
(sighs) let's drop the topic about her already.
So after I have completed my tasks, I went back upstairs to my room and prepared for my online tuition session with Rach jie. I felt better during the session, because it helped to take my mind off about the wound I got, and I enjoyed chatting with Rach jie very much. Together we joked, laughed and learned throughout the whole lesson from start to finish. And every time she never fails to reassure me that I'll be alright when I finally do sit for my real examinations. She gave me a twinkle of hope, she helped me to regain my shattered confidence little by little, she generously gave me her shoulders to lean on; to cry on, she gave me her listening ears, she gave me her time, efforts, and patience, she gave me her hand to hold on, and she filled a part of me; a gaping hole in my heart and patched it up. Rach jie, thank you so, very much. ♥ I will study hard and do my best. I promise not to disappoint you. <3
Then, like clockwork, it's time for dinner already.
Dad, grandma, aunt Ivy, uncle Eric plus a new addition to the group - my cousin Yani.
Her parents are a little busy, hence I think her dad must have told her to join us to eat out instead.
I had my favorite dish again... Spaghetti, haha.
Soon we're home sweet home.
I than joined Yani and brought my oldest dog Georgie out for a brisk little walk together.
Wong Choi is still too small for walks yet. But I'm in no hurry for him to grow up fast, lol.
And then we're home again.
I bid goodbye and goodnight to my cousin, then put away Georgie's leash and quickly went upstairs to have my bath.
Today I managed to drag a dead log for a body out of bed.
I hit the sack at around 4am+ yesterday night because I was busy writing stuff.
Groaning loudly, I stretched myself and stumbled to my desk to put on my spectacles and brush my hair before proceeding to freshen up.
Just as I was about to enter the bathroom, dad and grandma are home from their lunch.
So I came down only to help unlock and open the doors, greet them and then go back up to brush my teeth and wash my face.
Amazingly, I discovered I do not have as much chores to be done today because my cousin's maid, Savy helped me a lot in cleaning practically the whole house from top to bottom yesterday.
I'm grateful for Savy's assistance and thanked her throughly for her time.
It's not very often I get to enjoy the special privilege of a maid to help me ease my workload.
Soon I have already finished everything and whatever else I'm supposed to do.
I went back upstairs and enjoyed a few hours of solitude in my room, listening to my favorite songs while surfing the net.
Then my cellphone rang.
It was Yani, my next-door neighbor as well as cousin.
She is having some sort of problem with her online movie application called PPS or something, because all the titles and wordings had been scrambled up and was wondering if I could help offer a solution.
I stared at the wall blankly, with my phone still pressed against my ear.
That is a new problem for me.
Nevertheless, I'm curious to see if I could perhaps try and solve it after all, and told her I would be over at her house in a moment.
I than told dad I'm going over to Yani's for a while to help her with computer issues.
I climbed over the wall and soon I'm outside her room door in a jiffy.
I helped to uninstall some of the other applications in her laptop that she doesn't use because it takes up a lot of space and creates lag.
Then I rebooted the system, and clicked on PPS again.
No go. The problem remains. My only guess is that maybe her laptop doesn't have something to support the PPS or whatever, lol. I have done all I could and knew.
Then we chatted for a while in her room and just totally chilled out. We talked about our favorite handsome vampire men and imagined marrying them and more, books, and how stupid is life. We just plain crapped. xD
But since nobody's looking or complaining, who is to stop us from acting weird? =X
Soon I had to go back home. I didn't carry my keys with me and if my dad, grandma and aunt Ivy are all already out for dinner, I will be stranded outside my own house lol! And though I can climb over walls, I can't climb up windows. T_T
Just in time. Dad wanted to have a bath first before we goes out for dinner. Uncle Eric came as well.
However, a minor problem occurred between me and my grandmother and so I got a little pissed off and declined to join them out after all.
While waiting for my father to finish his bath, I went upstairs and played Facebook for a few minutes.
Suddenly, grandma called out my name. THEN this is where it started.
She begin yelling at me from downstairs before I could even reach the stairway, throwing at me the usual insults before adding, "don't make everybody wait for you and waste their time!" in Mandarin.
So I yelled back my reply through clenched teeth, "I'm already ready!! It's DAD who we're all waiting for!"
And THEN, just when I thought she has already finished saying what she wanted to say, she proved me wrong by proceeding to tell everybody around her in a clear and loud voice:
"that girl definitely has to be scolded only will she know she's in the wrong"
Although it's not the first time and definitely will not be the last too, I'm still like, what the hell? Have I done anything wrong? All I did was go upstairs and played Facebook while waiting for my father to finish his bath. Plain and simple. =_=
Yepp, people. That, is my beloved grandmother. That's her.
I try to be on my best behavior. I obediently follow my chores and whatever shit I'm supposed to do.
But if my grandma couldn't find anything at fault with me for a period of time, she just simply MUST create even the most nonsensical problem and peg me with it so she can enjoy 'shooting' at me once more.
AND THE FUNNY THING IS, SHE ONLY DOES THIS SORT OF THING TO ME! I HAVE NEVER SEEN HER DOING THE SAME TO HER OTHER GRANDCHILDREN AFTER SO MANY YEARS OF LIVING WITH HER?
I think you guys would probably have guessed it by now, I and my grandmother's relationship is a little strained. More like a lot, actually.
I have never, ever even felt any kind of affection from my grandma. Not even once.
Whereas she showered my cousin Yani with so much, it's like combining at least a HUNDRED or even a THOUSAND MILLION of caring grandmothers' love for just ONE grandchild.
Yes. My grandmother is also into the whole favoritism thing.
No, I do not hate my cousin nor whoever else that my grandmother had favored.
I am only sadly disappointed with my grandmother for always treating me like I'm a thorn in her side when I try my best not to be the thorn.
Perhaps, we just aren't fated to get along. Sometimes it's that way. Some people are like that. Unfortunately, I'm one of the unlucky ones who clashed with grandma. =_=
All my elders always advised me, you must love your grandmother and cherish her as much as you can.
I am dreadfully sorry, but I cannot pretend anymore. On the front, I'm right there beside my grandmother, looking after her, holding her hand, making sure she doesn't trip and fall, asking her if she would like to have anything to eat or drink. Everything a loving granddaughter will do for her grandmother.
But the truth is, deep down, I secretly despised having to act like I really cared for her when actually, I don't. She never appreciated whatever I did for her nor will she care what I think or feel towards her anyway.
I hated people who are pretenders. Yet I am one myself. =_=ll
Okay. enough about her.
So, while I was still in a fit, I sent an text message to my dad, telling him he didn't have to buy anything back for me to eat, in case grandma complained that everybody had to wait and waste their time again because of me.
Then I cooked instant noodles again. Haha.
After I had only JUST finished my noodles, I heard the familiar sounds of my dad's engine. I saw the car carefully pulling up in front of our porch as I turned around. They're home pretty early tonight, I thought. Usually they will take several hours before returning home from their dinner.
As I went to unlock and open the doors, aunt Ivy walked in first, carrying something.
"your dad bought it," she said to me. Then she puts it on the table and goes to do her stuff.
I opened the mysterious container and peeked in.
It was a box of Economic rice with all my favorite ingredients. Curry, potatoes, mini-hot dogs, egg.
Then dad appeared at my side, gave me a cheeky smile and asked: "like it?"
That's what I simply love about my father.
He never listens. ♥
Nonetheless, even though I had already consumed a bowl of instant noodles, I still ate the Economic rice with gusto. There is nothing I love more than a plate of rice full of Curry topped off with all my favorite ingredients! Yea I eat a LOT. I'm a growing girl, kays? xP
After I had finished eating, I promptly disposed of the container and cleaned up the table.
My mood always improves every time I enjoyed my favorite meal. Dad really knows me, mm. ♥
Seriously, I really don't know what would I ever do without my father by my side.
He is part of me.
All these years, before mummy was finally deemed mentally unstable to care for me anymore, dad's the one who patiently kept me under his warm, protective wing all the way through winter, fed me with love, gingerly picked me up every time I fall and nursed me back to good health, wiped away my tears, soared the skies with me, taught me all that is to know, making me smile whenever he wanted, comforting me when things go awry, teaching me right from wrong, constantly guiding me, risked his life and shielded me from enemies, sang lullabies for me, entertaining me, held me tight against the storm, bringing significant joy, happiness and laughter into my life. He did practically everything under the sun for me.
I used to feel lonely, depressed, and left-out because of my lack of friends as I did not go to school. And hence it also affected my socializing skills. Sometimes I felt like I am the odd one out in a group of normal, clever people.
However, now I have realized, thanks to my dearest dad, sister and those close to my heart,
In life, 'Quality' is always better than 'Quantity'.
So long I have my father, my sister, Rach jie, and those people who TRULY care and loves me for who I am and who would not poke fun at me with or without my knowledge,
I am content.
I don't ask for much, I am at peace as long as I live life as a sincere person. ♥
Okay, you guys better not snigger when you're about to hear what had happened to me this morning. xD
I depend heavily on my cellphone to be my alarm clock.
But I think I was so tired yesterday, I didn't notice my phone wasn't with me at all until I discovered it the moment I woke up and was wondering how come there isn't any sound like there usually was, jolted to my senses and started searching frantically for it.
I was like 'WTH my phone has disappeared' as beads of perspiration rolled down my forehead and down my cheeks.
I can predict it already.
If my dad knew that I had lost the phone he gave to me, he will probably have me for lunch. Or dinner.
And I will have to scrounge up my own savings to buy another cheap phone for replacement, because dad will most likely say: "what's the point of me having to spend to buy you yet another new phone? You'll just lose it again. I'm not made of money, okay?"
Dad's like that. He absolutely hates having to splurge unnecessarily on items like a missing cellphone. Especially if he has to pay for what other people has carelessly lost. Like me, for an example.
And hopefully even though dad is in a forgiving mood, I really wouldn't want to contribute to his burden. x_X
Try as I might, no matter how hard I searched my entire house upside-down and inside-out, my phone just refuses to appear. It was a shame too, for I liked that phone a lot. It is very special to me because it was the one my dad had lovingly bought and given to me years ago, as well as held endless precious memories.
Sighing worriedly, I than resigned myself to my fate and gloomily awaited to face the music once dad and grandma comes back home from their meal.
While waiting, (which is like sucks 'cause I felt like I'm only waiting for my turn at the noose once the hangman returns)
I tried my best to concentrate on my chores and did whatever thing else I can do in hopes to try and distract myself from thinking about what I'm gonna have to go through later.
I was upstairs when dad and grandma were finally home.
But I kept delaying walking down the steps and to my dad just to have my throat sliced, until I chided myself for being so chicken and mustered up enough courage to finally come down and tell my dad the bad news.
To my great surprise, my phone is lying right on the table beside my dad the moment I got closer to him.
I almost burst with joy when I saw my phone there safe and sound and in one piece, but stopped short when I noticed a pretty dark expression etched across my dad's face.
"been looking for this?" he asked as he picked my phone up.
I merely grinned and smiled at him sheepishly. I can actually feel myself turning as red as a tomato!
"you left in in my car behind the seats last night. Be more careful the next time!" he chided me, laughed then handed over my phone.
I laughed too, but more at myself for being so careless and hence creating unnecessary stressful problems.
I will have to try my utmost best to keep my phone within sight whenever and wherever now. >_<
And so, feeling much more relieved, I thanked my dad before going back upstairs to work on my blog.
I had to change my previous layout because there were quite a number of people saying their computer kept detecting some sort of freaky virus each time they visited my site, without fail.
So I spent hours searching for another suitable skin that is to my liking. And I really mean HOURS.
I want my blog to reflect me in as many ways as possible, and to also make sure my new skin doesn't contain any kind of hidden virus. I guess you could say I'm quite the fussy type, haha.
Finally I decided on this one. It feels pure and pristine yet sorrowful. And I love especially cute, cuddly bears.
That done, on invitation from my cousin Yani, I went over to her home for a little while to chill.
Halfway through, my stomach started to grumble. It figures. I never had much to eat for the whole day and it's still a couple of hours before dinner!
Yani asked me what would I like to eat, and I replied instant noodles. With eggs! Rawr. xD
She than proceeded to grab a packet out from her kitchen cabinet, a pair of chopsticks, a small cooking pot half-filled with hot water, and switched on her newest instant-heat, fire-safe stove. I helped to take an egg out from her refrigerator and we sorta cooked together, lol.
While hungrily slurping down my noodles, Yani made herself a simple kaya-and-cheese sandwich because she only feels like eating a light snack.
Then we relaxed for a while before going outside to have a shot at badminton.
Unfortunately, the wind isn't in our flavor today, and our gameplay was greatly affected. Not to mention the glaring sun that refuses to go down didn't help matters too.
So we gave up after a short practice and played with Yani's two doggies instead.
Soon, I had to go back to my own home because I would like to do my stuff for a while. I told Yani we can go out again much later in the evening when the sun's down, if you want to.
But we never did went out after all comes the evening.
Yani got so obsessed and totally wrapped up in her new book, she would rather stay home and finish reading than to go out! (PS: you're forgiven, by the way. lol!)
Before taking my bath, first I promptly walked to my kitchen, reached for the cabinet, yanked it open and pulled out one of the exact same packet of instant noodles from the shelves that I had eaten over at Yani's house, grabbed an egg from my refrigerator and then proceeded to find Savy, my cousin's domestic helper a.k.a maid, and passed those items over to her for replacement. I wouldn't want aunt Ederlyn to be on my case again because I ate at her house what was easily available in my own home as well. Even though aunt Ederlyn might not care or notice, I'd better play it safe anyway. Aunt Ederlyn is definitely someone not to be fooled around with. (shivers) xD
Soon, it was time for dinner out with my dad, grandma, aunt Ivy and uncle Eric.
We ate at another hawker center and I ordered this massive plate of spaghetti for just RM4.00+!! Well worth it. The chef wasn't stingy with his portions and to top it off, it tastes good too! Spaghetti is high on my list of favorite foods. xP
Then it's time to go back home once we've finished our dinner.
However, once home, we had a 'durian party' again LOL.
Only this time I didn't join in on it. I hate eating too much durians because it gives me a very heaty sensation after and I have to keep gulping down large amounts of water as well as to contend with the terrible smell every time I burped or something. >_< hahaha.
I had to immediately start vacuuming and mopping the floors all over again due to the invasion of flies late last night, because of the heavy rain. Thankfully this problem only occurs on rainy nights. =_=
After that I went to tidy the rooms upstairs, throw out the garbage, wipe stuff, etc.
You know. The dreary daily.
Once done, I ate a box of chicken rice for late lunch that my dad had brought back.
Soon I'm finally home free to do my own things.
I revised my Science notes for a while, listened to songs, and just plain bum out.
Though my solitude didn't last very long, because soon it was time for dinner and grandma really abhors waiting when she's getting hungry. >_<
So I took a quick bath and went downstairs to be prepared.
Uncle Eric came to join us to eat out too.
We than drove to a nearby hawker center and I ordered a plate of Economic rice splattered with loads of Curry (yum!) while dad orders a bowl of Sarawak style noodles, grandma had Claypot chicken rice, aunt Ivy had a plate of Hor Fun → (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shahe_fen) and uncle Eric had a plate of Economic rice like me too, although his chosen ingredients differ from mine.
As usual, grandma only ate a small separate portion of her Claypot chicken rice and so as not to be wasteful, I had to eat her balance since nobody else volunteered. Grandma eats less and less these days.
I must be having a feeding frenzy tonight, because not only had I just devoured a plate of Economic rice and grandma's share too, I even pushed myself to the limit by further consuming DURIAN! xD
After dinner, dad and uncle Eric were in the mood to savor their all-time favorite fruits: durian.
So we drove to this little shack by the roadside well known for its delicious durians.
Not wanting to be a wet blanket by being the only person in the group who didn't even touch a seed,
I ate a few. Besides, I thought, it has also been a while since I last relished durians.
And afterwards we all had to contend with the strong, horrible smell all the way home in the car each time one of us burps or something. Lol!
Once home, I walked over to uncle Eric's house and spent several hours there, giving both my aunt Christina and uncle Eric personalized computer lessons. xP
Though I am a little tired, I'm not complaining. ^_^ I enjoyed imparting my knowledge over to both of them; because they are very sociable. They are warm and friendly unlike most of my other aunties or uncles. And I have a strong patience as well when it comes to teaching.
I just do not see the point in easily losing your cool whenever the going got tough, because it only leaves the both of you tired and frustrated and it definitely won't get you anywhere.
With a bit of patience, the learner will succeed sooner or later, and you will feel glad too and then the both of you can happily proceed to a new thing. Both wins, see?
Patience is a virtue. You are gonna need it badly with the kind of world we're living in right now.
The funny thing is, though all these are coming out from my own mouth, I only have problems when it comes to being patient with grandma. And if I'm provoked, or if I hear people gossiping about me, you definitely can't expect me to remain calm. Haha.
There's only so much I can take. Everybody has their own certain limits somewhere. @_@
Today, as usual, I failed to wake early and instead came down the stairs at around between 12-1pm, because I was drowning my ears in music until 3am+ yesterday night.
And, as usual, got the daily flake from my grandma.
So when all that is out of the way, as usual, I got to work on my chores.
After finishing with the vacuuming and mopping of floors, it was time to give my two rascals a bath.
Wong Choi all wrapped up in his towel after his bath xD
Cheeky little devils, mm?
Oh no don't you two give me that look. I have already fed you both your treats! -_-
Georgie performing a trick for me. Neat, huh? ^o^
Later on, we had dinner at home for once. Although there's a slight difference.
Instead of cooking all the food in the house, the adults went outside to packet certain dishes. So much for home-cooked food! xD
Then I helped with the washing and cleaning up after eating.
However, uncle Eric soon brought a surprise... For my cousin Yani.
He has this female Shih Tzu named 'DingDong' seeking for new, caring owners, because her previous one had abandoned her.
Since I already have my hands full with both my Georgie and Wong Choi, we all think Yani would be the most suitable new owner for DingDong. And Benjy (Yani's first doggie) has been pretty lonely for a while too, so it's time for him to have a companion as well.
And of course, we can all also expect Yani's dogs to have newborn puppies in the future soon. ^^ Lol!
I will attach a photo of them both here when the opportunity comes. xD
Overall, there hasn't been much happenings today.
Okay, break time.
Maybe I'll be back later when I feel like writing some more.
I thought I would be able to motivate myself this morning to go out and sweat a little.
Alas, the moment my alarm rang, I sleepily slammed on the snooze button and dived back under the snuggly covers of my warm bed.
By the time I finally woke up, there is no time left for exercising because I have to start on my chores soon.
Oh well... Perhaps another time. Haha xD
That's the problem with me. Nowadays I just can't seem to force myself up earlier like I used to. I simply dread waking up so early to face my grandma for a long period of time at home. She will definitely always have something unpleasant for my ears the moment I came down from the stairs.
I kind of felt the reason why grandma treats me like this everyday is because I bring shame to the entire family. I am the only granddaughter who doesn't have school, an proper education whereas all my other cousins are happily studying, getting a qualification, a certificate for their hard work of cramming for their examinations or tests all these years, or have already graduated and are earning an honest living and making a name for themselves.
Me?
What do I do?
Aside from doing the daily household chores, there's nothing else I can do. I help my father with his business online whenever needed, but it's not much. And well, writing in my blog. Re-reading whatever books I have and occasionally borrowed ones from my cousin Yani. Listening to my favorite music 24/7 in hopes to try and numb my soul. Doing a little bit of this and that. Sucks much, right?
Although I must say, ever since I came to know Rach jie as my online teacher, my life has been slightly improved. So at least I home-studied by myself instead of rotting away when there's nothing left to do.
Remember the time I said my sister used to coach me at home in Singapore, back in the old days when I was younger and never went to preschool?
I can never forget life living with my mother than.
It's no wonder as time passes, my sister ran away from home when she was aged around 16 or so, and chose to live with one of her friends outside instead. And she still does even now.
So, that leaves only me and my mom since sis is already hacking it on her own out there.
To tell the truth, I would have actually done the exact same thing as what she has done and run from home too, only because I didn't have school so I don't have friends whom I can turn to for help, like my sis. I was almost losing my mind too because of being ill-treated daily.
Mum will insult me every few minutes round the clock, throwing out her frustrations on me, sometimes starving me by feeding me very little and not giving enough money for me to eat out, making me take baths in freezing waters, all the horrors you could never imagine a mother would do to her own child. But it was because my mother's mind was in turmoil at the time. If she was normal, I am sure she would never even think of doing such things.
My mum's state of mind hasn't improved at all after so many years, and instead keeps deteriorating.
Mere words can never describe the sadness, the pain, the sorrow, the anguish in my heart, every time I think of the condition my mother's in.
She really deserves better. It can't be entirely all her fault.
If I were given a choice as to choose either aunt Ivy or my own mother, mom would still win hands down.
I never held any grudges against my mother for all the things she did to me back than,
even for the incident when she almost killed me out of anger by dropping a heavy glass bottle of Kaya spread on my head.
My tears still fall relentlessly each time I think of mum, or if her name were mentioned.
I bet she did not ask for this kind of life too. After all, during the time when my dad was either with aunt Ivy or in his hometown Malaysia,
mom tried her best and still managed to look after and bring me and my sis up on her own even when she was mentally unstable.
Dad didn't want to stay with mom because he could not tolerate her behavior and attitude, so he has actually been living with aunt Ivy all these years in Singapore.
I would give my all to have my mum back to normal, to be able to see her smile, to hear her laughter, to hold her hand tightly, to be in her warm, loving embrace, to cry on her shoulders, to enjoy life with her,
to experience her motherly love once again like before.
Every day and night, I would gaze at my mother's wedding photo which I had kept in a beautiful frame. She will always and forever remain gorgeous in my eyes.
Every year on special occasions and on my birthday, my wishes remain unchanged: to have my mother back to normal.
Mummy.....♥ I dearly miss you so, so much.. No matter what others or the world may think of you, I don't care and I think you are still the best mother ever on earth!! No one else, not even the most fantastic step-mother can replace you, because you will always be no. 1 in my heart and soul.
Wake up. Wash up. Make bed. Go downstairs. Greet people. Eat. Do chores.
Pretty dull life huh? But then again what can I do? (laughs)
Anyway, dad, grandma and aunt Ivy were already home from their late breakfast by the time I was walking down the stairs.
I helped to unlock and opened the doors, and greeted them all.
Grandma must be in a mood to pick on somebody today though, because the moment she set her eyes on me, she started rattling off a string of words at me for not waking up earlier and doing my work and the like,
when in truth I actually already did wake earlier during the time when they were out eating.
Nevertheless, I have grown quite accustomed to my grandma's behavior. I delayed doing my chores because I wanted to wait for grandma to be home first, and THEN make sure she is sitting right there, looking at me menacingly, BEFORE I start on my housework. At least this way, I thought "OK NOW I AM DOING THE FREAKING CHORES DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU SO DON'T COMPLAIN LATER AND ACCUSE ME OF BEING LAZY AND NOT LIFTING A FINGER IN THE HOUSE TO HELP"
Yes. I am angry. Pissed off rather. I know I shouldn't say that of my grandma, but at times I really can't help it. I have never understood why is it so difficult for my grandmother and me to get along, and I STILL do not understand even now. I do everything under the sun for her and tries my best to please her but still, not even an ooze of affection from her. I wanted so much to tell her right smack in the face, "DO YOU THINK YOUR OTHER GRANDCHILDREN WILL OBLIGINGLY DO THE THINGS I HAD DONE FOR YOU OR THE THINGS YOU REQUESTED? WHICH OF YOUR OTHER GRANDCHILDREN IS ACTUALLY LIVING UNDER THE SAME ROOF WITH YOU BESIDES ME? WHO ELSE WOULD WAIT ON YOU HAND AND FOOT 24/7? WHO ELSE COULD ENDURE YOUR NONSENSE IN THE PAST AND IN TIME TO COME?"
What the heck.
No matter how much our worlds are far apart from each other, she is still my grandmother. I definitely can't stay furious at her for long. Besides. She's getting older by the milliseconds. She won't be around on earth forever. I will just have to try and put aside our differences and to continue tolerating her, and to treasure her while she is still alive. Nobody is entirely good nor bad on this planet. Grandma had her good moments too, although just a little more sacred. I lose my cool easily when I'm being insulted because I seriously am tired of hearing all these. But overall--- my grandma will still be my grandma. (sighs heavily)
Okay, that felt better. Now let's move onto a happier note. (by the way, note to all my cousins who were reading this: no offense meant!! I know you would surely look after grandma too if given the chance. lol)
As usual, I took a bath after my chores and then followed my dad, uncle Eric, grandma and aunt Ivy out to dinner.
That cheered me up a little bit, because halfway through our dinner, there was this plate of 'Siput' (that's what uncle Eric told me.. He also added it's sort of related to cockles, whatever)
I tried to search for what's the meaning of Siput on the net, but to no avail.
Let me know if any one else of you had successfully found out or knew how to define 'Siput', thanks!! xD
Okay so, back to the story.
Grandma, dad and uncle Eric loves eating those Siputs. Aunt Ivy and I didn't touch them though. Not our favorite.
Then came the hilarious part:
Occasionally, when grandma failed to suck the flesh out of a Siput's shell, she would throw them aside and take another new one to try.
Then, uncle Eric found out and chided her for being so wasteful. So he immediately took grandma's tossed Siputs and began sucking on the shells very hard and using his handy-dandy lengthy toothpick to try and dig the flesh out. It was grandma's turn than to chide uncle Eric for "embarrassing" her in front of everyone. HAHAHA. They are SO unbelievably CUTE together. xD
First photo: the plate of Siputs, Second photo: grandma trying to suck the flesh out of a Siput with much difficulty and aunt Ivy laughing in the background,Third photo: uncle Eric determined to prove grandma wrong and began sucking the flesh out of her tossed shells as hard as possible, Fourth and final photo: uncle Eric, after failing to suck the flesh out of the shell, than proceeded to plan B. Using his stick to dig it out instead. LOL!
So after dinner, aunt Ivy wanted to go to an night market (Pasar Malam) again to buy something for her hair. Dad wanted to look for those roasted peanuts of his too, so we went to nearby one of our frequented restaurants (Keong Kee).
Because we knew the restaurant owner well, we can easily use one of their parking lots and only order drinks and a light snack just to be polite. xP
Then I asked dad if he could possibly lend me some cash for my own shopping, because I had left my wallet at home.
Dad smiled, gave me RM50 and told me to enjoy myself. =) seriously, there will be no one else in the universe like my father. He's tops and I am not saying this just because I asked for money and he willingly gave it to me. His fatherly love is immeasurable and I am glad I have him in my life, to make up for what my mother couldn't give. ♥
So I bought a beautiful purple blouse + 2 pieces of light blue and pink spaghetti tops, another pair of pants to replace for the one I couldn't wear the other time, and this funky grey colored shorts with ribbons for a belt.
Unfortunately I keep having an illusion that I might not be as fat as I think.
So I picked the 'M' size and when I got home to try the grey shorts on, you guessed it - I can't even button up. (-_-)
LOL my dad lar, keep asking me eat eat eat and so I kept putting on weight bit by bit.
The rest of me are okay though. It's just my stomach area that's packing on pounds like a spider spinning its web. =_=
Gotta start exercising soon.. Wish I wasn't so lazy in this part. XD
But then again, my hips and waistline are pretty wide too. So hopefully it's not "fat"........ Hahaha.
Soon, we had to hurry back from the Pasar Malam because it has started to drizzle. You wouldn't want to be caught in the rain at a night market!
Once home, I carried my things up to my room and then returned downstairs to find my dad.
I pushed an RM50 note into his hand.
Dad didn't want to accept it at first, he gave it for me to enjoy spending just now and I didn't have to repay him.
But I persisted until he finally took it back. ^^
I was only borrowing his money. Besides, having him around in my life is good enough. Money's not important. It definitely cannot buy me the kind of a loving father I have and cherish right now. =)
Okay, I need a rest.. Been writing for quite a while. xD
I dragged myself out of bed this morning as usual, and then sleepily went downstairs to grab a new tube of toothpaste before drenching my face in cold water to try and force the sluggishness out of me.
I greeted my dad and grandma who were already awake. Aunt Ivy is still sleeping though.
On the other hand, my day today aren't too good, because I kept having diarrhea. (=_=)
Thank goodness my stomach started to feel better and less toilet runs at around in the late afternoon, after I have taken the medications. Must've been something I ate yesterday night...
So after all my chores had been done, I trotted upstairs to my room and begin switching on the computer.
I checked for emails, surfed Facebook, edited my blog's music playlist, did a bit of this and that.
However the music playlist thing took me quite a while to get it done, because I gotta keep googling for the perfect website followed by the learning of the how-to's. (>.<)
But at last, my desired music playlist is finally finished and ready to use. All that time and effort was worth it.
Later, I skipped going out for dinner whereas dad, grandma, aunt Ivy and uncle Eric went instead.
I wanted to stay back and prepare an personal handmade card for my uncle Eric's 56th birthday today. ^^
In fact, I am like the only one in my family who remembered the event.
I called my dad while he was out eating to remind him of this, and asked him if he could possibly buy some sort of cake for uncle Eric.
Dad sounded surprised, for he had forgotten uncle Eric's birthday was today. HAHAHA.
So that settled, I quickly went to clean up my desk after creating the card, and took a bath.
Soon, they are back home. Aunt Ivy carried the cake into the house and I helped to stash it in the refrigerator first, because uncle Eric wanted to go home to do his things for a little while.
Then my dad wasted no time in giving his younger sister (aunt Ederlyn) and her family a phone call to remind them of this occasion and invited them to come and celebrate together too.
My dad's cousin (Ah Heong Piu-Yi) and her husband arrived as well.
Soon, when almost everybody is present, I walked over to uncle Eric's home and rang his doorbell. (note: uncle Eric and I lived in the same vicinity)
Either uncle Eric already knew what's happening but was pretending not to be surprised, or he doesn't know yet but didn't care much. xD
I also asked Aunt Christina (uncle Eric's wife) if she would like to join us as well, but she replied she's too tired and would like to have an early rest. So I greeted aunt Christ goodbye and goodnight, before returning to my house.
When uncle Eric saw the crowd gathered around, he happily greeted them all and sat down to mingle with them.
Meanwhile, I took the birthday cake out of the refrigerator and begin the preparations. I stuck 5 big candles and 6 small candles on top of the cake, and proceeded to light them up.
Then I asked my cousin Yani to help shut off the lights so the entire front porch is in total darkness. I than walked as fast as my legs could carry me, to bring the cake to wherever uncle Eric is sitting outside.
Unfortunately, I walked a little TOO fast hence created a breeze which caused some of the candles' flames to die on the way there. LOLs.
Nonetheless my dad helped to re-light the candles again, once the lights had been switched back on. I quickly grabbed my camera to capture moments of the small celebration.
I can tell my uncle Eric, although he doesn't look at all surprised about this, he must be smiling away pleasantly in his heart. xD
Here's a photo of uncle Eric holding the card that I've made for him. =P
~ A smiling uncle Eric ~
~ The birthday cake ~
~ Uncle Eric blowing out the candles!! ~
Once again, ♥ HAPPY 56th BIRTHDAY DEAR UNCLE ERIC.♥
Think young and be young! Haha!
I hope you had enjoyed yourself! May all your dreams and wishes come true on your special day. ~ ^^*
Sorry.. I'm still suffering from the aftermath effects when I have finally finished reading the book which my cousin had lent me, "Darren Shan: Vampire Destiny Trilogy".
Most of all the characters whom I had loved so much died in the end of the story. Fellow bookworms who had gone through this before will know exactly how I feel. It will definitely take a while to heal my heart, but hopefully it won't be too long. Haha. Though my wound is much bigger back than when I started reading the Harry Potter series by one of my favorite authors J.K Rowling. I felt really depressed and moody for almost a week, after having finished reading the final book in the series. T__T
Anyway, my Science test isn't until next week, so I have plenty of time to laze around.. But of course I still did my studying and revision nevertheless! I'm not that naughty. xP I wouldn't want to disappoint my loved ones who had put so much of their hope, faith, time, effort and encouragement in me by getting a bad grade just because I'm lazy. (>_<) and I want to show the people who had spat on me and looked their noses down on me, just because I'm a school dropout and I don't have a string of certificates by my side DOESN'T mean I am a nobody. Soon I'm going to have the last laugh, one way or another. *fire in eyes* I am and will make those who had put me through so much mental torture and agony, EAT their words completely. And I won't even allow salt, sugar, pepper, mustard, chili or tomato sauce to go with their words. JUST DAMNED EAT 'EM PLAIN. No more mercy! *evil laugh*
Excuse me if I sounded a little frightening back there.
I am just tired of how even some of my closest family members, relatives and the world sees me.
I am desperate to change that view. Nobody can ever understand my burden, the weight I carry on my shoulders every day and night. The extreme shame I feel each time when people asks my dad about his daughters, and my dad will have to lie for me. Or sometimes tell the truth, which in turn received replies of giggles, sneers and leers instead of sympathy and compassion. Or, pretending to be sympathetic when deep down they know, "at least there is someone else far worse off than me/us/my children/whosoever."
But at least, there are some genuine people in this world I know who aren't hypocrites, who truly cared for me, who will love me for who I am, support me, encourage me, and most importantly, will not look down on me. One of them is my online teacher, Rachel-Veronica Gabriel, whom I called her Rach jie.
She is actually one of my sister's best friends. When Rach jie heard about my dilemma from my sis, she immediately offered to assist me in my education and to help me achieve a certificate so as to secure a better future ahead. For free.
Rach jie is the most caring and unselfish outsider I have ever met in all my 16 years of life.
One day when I asked Rach jie, "why do you even bother teaching me for free? I will consume a lot of your time, because I am rusty and slow. I might make you angry and frustrated. You'd best give up on me now."
Rach jie than proceeded to let some light into the darkness of my heart. She never did gave up on me. She held my hand tight and guided me through so much. She kept her cool and persisted, never stopping until making sure I finally understood a question. She was also my listening ear and my soul sister. She will reprimand me each time I lacked faith in myself or if I say I'm stupid. She comforts me when I am down. She tries her best to be there for me when the going got rough. And I remembered exactly each and every word, sentence and phrase she told me, and still do now.
"my dear, throughout this journey until you achieve your O's and beyond, you need to have confidence. confidence is the key to success for anything and everything! especially with maths okay?"
"you MUST know that for everyone, it takes time to be able to know the work... so now that we're just beginning, if you come across something you don't know how to do, it DOES NOT mean that you cannot do it..its very normal at first to find certain questions tough kie.."
"my kindness has already not gone to waste, and will never be! Love is endless and makes all things possible, because love is god and god is love. Hugs!"
"they are all very jealous that you have this wonderful chance to catch up and learn everything they learned in a much shorter period, and with free lessons from your own sister's best friend :-) they will always say negative things, but in reality, you'll succeed because you have me and your sis. So focus on what those who truly loves you says to you. What we say matters, what they say is useless. Just continue with me, do your work, study hard, take your tests and before you know it, your exams will be getting near. It's only in May / June next year, only a few months away, and you're doing so well. You're at the pace I planned for you in my lesson plan. :-) in fact you are moving faster. :D so don't be discouraged by words from them! For in real life, you're doing so well! I love you my dear. *hugs*"
Rach jie is like the bright light in my dark, twisted world. Giving me hope, faith and reasons to continue living, to believe in myself, to love myself and who had brought meaning to my meaningless life.
Some people who had knew or found out about this free lessons agenda between me and Rach jie, merely laughed or mocked instead of giving their support or good luck wishes.
They say Rach jie will grew tired of teaching me for free one day and leave me to my own devices. They say this and that, up and down, left and right but what do they know?
Before you start crapping, meet the person and get to know that person a little better FIRST.
They don't know Rach jie.
Rach jie made a promise to help me strive for a brighter future together. And she's keeping it.
I guess in this crazed world full of nonstop chaos, a bit of peace is like asking a retard to write an essay based on the history of Adolf Hitler.
People will always be gossiping and talking behind your back, and you can't do anything to close their mouths until unless you have proven yourself worthy. It's the standard now.
Humans. (sighs) at times even I myself am ashamed to be one too. Yet there is nothing I can do except to face the cold, hard facts. Facts of life.
I'll stop here for now, my eyes are getting tired.
I love you, Rach jie.. For everything. ♥ I'll try my best to look forward and forget thinking about all the pain and sorrow in the past. It's not gonna be easy but I will try.....
Today I have a English exam online. It's nothing serious nor will it get me a certificate should I pass or fail. It's simply a test to help further prepare me for my REAL examinations when (and if) I do ever return to my hometown, Singapore and start being able to live there instead of Malaysia which is currently where I am now.
That, is my results slip.
To be honest, I was expecting perhaps a 'B' grade or lower for my test, so you can imagine my surprise when I had achieved the unexpected. ^^
Gotta do better in my essay writing though. I can't help it, my creativity juices just stop flowing when I have to write about an incredibly boring topic. HAHA. xP
Then it's back to the dreaded daily household chores after my test is over.
Soon, it is dinner time and I, my grandma, uncle Eric, dad and aunt Ivy went out to a well known restaurant that specializes in Bak Kut Teh. The drive there was pretty long, but my uncle Eric insisted it will all be worth it, for their food's good. Uncle Eric was also the one who suggested eating there in the first place. (note: for those who do not know the meaning of Bak Kut Teh, please refer to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bak_kut_teh ^^)
Uncle Eric enjoyed the dinner most; when we are finally finished. He kept burping throughout the whole journey home in the car. xD
I think the food's only O.K. though. The meat is a little tough for me to chew. Lol.
Later on I was watching an not-so-recent movie at home, something about underground vampires and werewolf at war with each other, while helping my dad and grandma to fold hundreds of incense paper to be burnt for my ancestors soon this month. It's an age-old tradition every year for the Chinese. Most of all our family members and relatives are required to make a long trip to the graves of our beloved ones for rituals under the hot sun.
However the ones who did not follow us are either too busy to go, can't make it or simply just couldn't care less. Yet we can't say nor do anything to change their minds and decisions. So we just have to let them be. (again, those who may not know what I am talking about, the age-old tradition is actually what we call Qingming Festival. For more info, you can refer here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qingming_Festival)
Okay, I gotta sleep now. I need a rest after all that monotonous folding of incense papers. (>_<)
Good night!
My eyes flew open immediately when I grabbed my phone lying beside me and glanced at the time.
It was already a little past twelve in the AFTERNOON! I knew I should have resisted the temptation to watch that movie late yesterday night.
Grandma will definitely have my head for this! (>_<)
Horrified, I staggered out of bed as I clumsily put on my spectacles, grogginess in my head. When I have finally steadied myself, I cautiously crept out from my room to the stairway.
Silence. The only sound I can hear is the radio playing softly below."This is it," I thought. What the hell. It's not the first time I got a blasting from my grandma anyway.
So I walked down the stairs, one step at a time, bracing myself for the worst.
To my great surprise, (and relief!) there's nobody around I can see. Grandma must have went out with my dad for lunch. (^o^) at times I'm glad grandma has this unbreakable habit of preferring to eat out rather than at home, lolz.
So I quickly ran back up the stairs to wash up properly and then come back down presentably.
I heard Aunt Ivy opening her room door and then making her way downstairs while I was brushing my teeth.
Soon after, I joined Aunt Ivy downstairs and I went about doing my daily chores.
Halfway through my mopping, grandma and dad came home, as well as my uncle Eric who I guessed must have accompanied them for lunch too.
Thankfully grandma didn't say anything much when I greeted her. But I will have to be more careful not to wake up late too often. Especially when she could still be around! (-_-")
Then I attacked a box of economy rice that my dad had packed home, after having done with my chores.
After I'm full, I went back upstairs to my room for some quiet reading.
Yo~.
Managed to force myself up early on a Sunday morning for once. Lol.
But it's only because I have an scheduled study session online at around 10am - 12pm+.
So I went downstairs to grab a quick bite before preparing myself, and saw grandma is already awake, sitting on the couch. My dad and aunt Ivy are still enjoying their sleep.
As usual I greeted grandma 'Good Morning', but then she cut me off by saying there's dog poo and urine in the house, and asks me to go clean it up immediately.
My newest puppy, Wong Choi is currently still undergoing toilet training and it's not really perfected yet. So I pulled Wong over to sniff at his poo, then I whacked his butt. I actually hate having to scold and beat my pets, but I have no choice. Without the proper discipline, it will be chaos when they do grow older. It's the same like how our parents used to train us when we were young. xD
The only bad thing is, Wong must have accidentally stepped in his own poo, hence leaving his poo-coated paw prints everywhere. =.="
So I had to mop the whole house with anti-bacterial detergent, clean up Wong, feed my doggies, wash my dirty laundry, etc.
Which made me about 18 minutes late for my session. And I didn't even have anything proper to eat yet! So I just munched on some snacks stashed in my room to get me through. xP
After I'm done with my lesson, I took a short break by reading an exciting but sorrowful book my cousin Yani had lent me. It's titled "The Saga of Darren Shan: Vampire Destiny Trilogy". (although there are like 4 titles which are still missing from my cousin's collection...T___T Yani please get those chapters fast!! I wanna read LOL)
Me and Yani shared the same crazy interest in vampires, ghosts, myths, you know. That kinda stuff.
But of course only in horror books or movies. Anything except the real thing itself. LOL. We are not that gutsy. xD
Later on, just as when I was collecting back the dry clothes and folding them neatly, Yani gave me a phone call to ask if I could possibly come over to her home for a little while, to assist her in her Art subject.
So, after I have finished doing my chores, I climbed over the wall to my cousin's house. (note: me and Yani are next door neighbors)
I must have surprised Yani and her mom (aunt Ederlyn) who was watching television in the living room, because they expected me to use the proper front gate to enter instead of climbing over. Sorry though, I'm too lazy for that. LOL! xD besides, I liked to climb more than just walking over. It gives you a sense of adventure and a fun feeling. Of course I won't do it when there are formal visitors or old-stick-in-the-mud adults around, Hahaha. ^_<
I stayed at Yani's place for several hours before climbing back over to my own home again. Though I think we played more with each other rather than concentrate, lol. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone. =X
Ello. Yesh I'm back.
Just when I thought for once, I won't have any chores to do today and I can laze a little.
Too bad. Grandma just can't stand to see me idle, so she pegged me with new chores to do. Unable to complain, I had to wash the dirty laundry as well as bedsheets and pillow cases, clean the bathrooms, clean downstairs, and whatever else she requests.
Finally after I have done everything and ready to relax,
Dad tells me that our puppy is due for an injection at the vet soon. It was like almost 5pm than. I had to quickly give my puppy (Wong Choi) a bath, and blow dry as well as groom him nicely. But this is one chore which I kinda loved. Wong will sit still for me as I rubbed his little body with the dog shampoo. And he looks absolutely ADORABLE each time after his bath. All wrapped up in his towel like a baby, later blow drying and grooming which makes his fur all fluffy and sweet smelling. ♥_♥
Here's a picture of my naughty boys both, Georgie (left) and Wong Choi (right) waiting for their treat one day. LOL. Cute huh? (^_<)
Of course if they ever does anything wrong (like chew the shoes or socks, etc) I won't hesitate to whack their bottoms to teach them a lesson. I don't like to spoil my pets, unlike my dad who pampers them like Kings. (-_-) Hahaha.
Overslept. Again. >.<. I hit the sack at around 3-4am yesterday though. But not before I had to do the vacuuming and mopping of floors, cleaning and rearranging my room, helping Aunt Ivy wash an big rusty metal file holder that weighs like a mammoth, as well as an extremely dusty wooden trolley caked with dead insects and spiders, etc.
This is my life. Clean, eat and sleep. (^_^)
So anyway, After all that work, I quickly hurried to have my bath immediately before going out for dinner. Grandma (as usual) is impatient and wants to eat now. Even though it's only like 5pm+. So, (as usual) I got scolded by grandma why I didn't chose to bathe earlier, but thankfully Aunt Ivy helped me to explain that it's because I was very busy with the household chores. Grandma kept her mouth shut thereafter.
But the plus point is, at least after the dinner, I get to go out to an night market with my dad and Aunt Ivy. It has been almost ages since my last visit to an Pasar Malam. Especially with my father. It helped take my mind off certain things and I did enjoy myself a little. I bought about 5 really cute pieces of Tees, 4 pieces of comfy Shorts (although regrettably there's one piece that I discovered I can't fit into it when I got home.. T_T) 2 DVDs (one is based on a book, "Cirque Du Freak: the vampire's assistant" and "Blood: the last vampire") 1 row of Marble Cheesecake and Layered Cake. All spent with MY OWN POCKET MONEY of course. Although dad did want to help pay for some of my items, I politely declined his offer. Thanks dad, but I don't want to have to trouble you or take your money to spend on myself. =) I'm happy just walking alongside with you, chatting and laughing away like the perfect father-and-daughter pair. I cherished each and every second spent with you at the night market. No moment could ever be more beautiful. I Love You, Pa ♥ Forever.
So dad bought a pair of scissors, corn, prunes, roasted peanuts, all the food stuff. Aunt Ivy bought a pair of white shorts for herself and some papayas which don't look like a normal papaya. It's shaped almost round like a ball and totally green in color. I have attached a photo of it below.
When we are finally finished at the night market, dad went back to grandma's old house to collect the rental fees. Then we went home.
Shortly after, I invited my cousin Yani to come over and watch a movie with me. We watched the Cirque Du Freak, while munching on the cakes that I'd just bought. The movie sucks big time though. I gotta exchange it for another better movie soon. =.=
When the movie had ended, it was like around perhaps 2am+. Yani called me to go over to her home for a while to share some reading materials, and we chatted until 3am+.
After bidding farewell to my cousin, I gave my dad a quick good night peck on the cheek, and went upstairs to prepare for my flight to dreamland. xD
Okay. I'm going to eat something already. Be seeing y'all later.
| Germaine .†. 11:14 AM -----------------------------------
Friday, March 5, 2010
Can't sleep. So here I am again. Let me continue what I was saying earlier.
I have only 1 elder sister, 1 mother, 1 father and myself.
On my mother's side I have a grandma and grandpa, 2 aunties, 1 uncle. 3 cousins belonging to my 3rd youngest aunt whom I call Xiao Yi. 1 cousin belonging to my 1st eldest aunt whom I call Da Yi. My mum was the second. 1 really young cousin belonging to my uncle. I am not very close to my mother's side of the family. Nor even to my own mother now.
On my father's side I have about.. My grandmother and 8 or 9 uncles, 1 aunt. Although I think two of my uncles were given away for adoption long before I was even born. and 1 more uncle who I don't know yet is serving time in jail. My fourth uncle as well as my grandfather passed away years ago. My uncle died of cancer, while I think my grandpa died of a heart attack. I was pretty close to my fourth uncle back than. But when he died, I didn't shed a single tear at his funeral while others cried their eyes out. People thought maybe it's because I wasn't close to him or just couldn't care less. But they will never know, I actually did cry for him. Just not in public. Even to this day, I still think of him and miss him. He was always like my second father. Helping me back on track when I went the wrong way. Although he has a fiery temper, he has a heart of gold. R.I.P dear uncle Raymond. You will never be forgotten.
And when my grandfather died, I never did get to attend his funeral. It's because at that moment only my dad were in Malaysia, while I and my sister stayed with my mother in Singapore. When my dad called up to ask us to come over and pay our final respects to grandpa, I remember faintly there was loud shouting and yelling followed by the slamming of the phone. I was hiding in a room with my sister than.
It's only right now I'm older that I realized; I never did have a normal family like what most other kids have. My mother has a mental problem. She has done many disappointing things, hence making my father lose his hope, his love as well as his tolerance for my mother and that's why he choses Aunt Ivy as his newest companion now.
Nobody knows the pain, the agony, the anguish, the fear, the sadness, the emptiness and so much more that I and my sister had to endure back than. My past can never be easily described. It's highly complicated.
I'm feeling tired now. Everyday I wish that one night I was sleeping and the next morning I will never wake up. It's such a dreadful life.
| Germaine .†. 12:39 AM -----------------------------------
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Boo. Yeah. I'm back from dinner. Ate a bowl of pork noodles outside with my grandma, Aunt Ivy, and my second uncle Eric. I can't concentrate on my work, and I don't feel like doing anything else.. Except blogging. Lolz. Anyway, I thought I'd explain a little bit more of myself. So here goes.
I'm leading the kind of lifestyle which.. You definitely won't call it charmed. You guys probably would have guessed it by now, but just to make sure: I am a -> school dropout. I stopped my schooling when I was like only in Kindergarten. That's super young, I know.
I think I used to have a kind of freaky illness or disease back when I was only in preschool. I remember throwing out small amounts of blood every now and than. I cry uncontrollably when I had to go to school. Then I remember that one day when I was well enough to resume school, my dad wanted me to continue studying. Then my mother objected for some reason. Then there was a huge argument. Then my dad slammed his fist on the kitchen table and threw the chair before walking out from the house in a huff, leaving my mother stunned, all by herself. Me and my older sister were huddled together. These are the only incidents I could remember during the youngest days of my life. So since I do not go to preschool anymore, my older sister would help to coach me at home. Everyday I will eagerly wait for my sister to come back from her school and then she would patiently teach me the Alphabet, Numbers, the basics before slowly moving on to harder subjects like English, Mathematics, Science.. The works. I will be totally retarded today and even worse than a handicapped person if not for my sister's efforts back than. She was always there for me, looking after me, reaching out her hand for me to hold on, encouraged me, picked me up when I fell. She made me laugh when I was feeling down, made me smile. We went through thick & thin together. In fact she was the reason why I didn't attempted suicide after so many years. I'd probably be resting in my grave now if not for my sister. She's my savior. Jie, if you are reading this, I Love You. [3 Forever. My sis is now undergoing her final year at a well known university in Singapore and she is also an successful real estate agent. If you are going to ask me how come my sister gets to go to school and I didn't, please don't. For I do not know the answer either. It has always remained a mystery.