name. Germaine Lai gender. FemaLe age. 16 dob. 23 Nov 1993 astrological sign. sagittaRius zodiac. rOosteR buddies. quality is always betteR than quantity ..♥ emails. ggermainee@hotmail.com or ggermainee@yahoo.com Click at y0ur own risK :X
. junk food
. sour candy
. sweet chocolates
. animals
. day & night dreaming
. my fabulous father
. my gorgeous sister
. genuine people
. world peace
. a normal, if not happy, family
. for my mother to be her old self again
. for my sister to be successful all the way through
. for my father not to work so hard and to relax a little
. for myself not to be so pathetic in life
. everything ...
. abusers
. liars
. certain insects
. people who take me for granted
. people who make fun of me
. gossipers
. backstabbers
. betrayers
. rude and uncouth people
. hypocrites
. pretenders
. selfish, greedy & thoughtless people
Thursday, April 29, 2010
It's one of those days again.
Hey, all. I am sorry I didn't manage to keep my blog as up-to-date as possible like I promised, but time kept whizzing past me and so much had happened...
Here's the lowdown: my grandmother is recently hospitalized about 2 or 3 days ago, and shortly after she got landed into ICU. Doctors say it is expected, and that her condition isn't looking too hot. Although I and my grandmother often had this mini-wall wedged in between us, I have to admit, seeing her lie down there covered with tubes, needles and bags doesn't give me any satisfaction. It made me almost wished that she could quickly recover, come back home with us, nag me to death, pelt me with unnecessary insults, slice my heart and throw my blood and just be herself all over again. It sounds a little absurd, and I know I am mentally unsound, but that's grandma. She has managed to penetrate and seep into my unwilling veins, becoming a part of me. I have grown accustomed to her daily flake. I am, damned.
I always sounded so happy; so sure and so positive in some of my posts, but actually it is all a facade. My heart's already blackened like charcoal, my soul is in delirium, and all my feelings in a tumultuous state of despair. I am running deeper into my own quicksand each passing hour. I can never be whole again.
I am, losing it. I can't believe myself. Lately I just seemed to loathe everybody who even talked about me, stared at me. What happened to my mother? Why don't I have school? Why do I keep hearing the same things over and over and over again? Why can't they talk about something new for a change, that I haven't heard before? Why are those people related to us are even more callous then the ones who aren't even linked to us in blood? What is, wrong with me?
I have committed a serious crime. I pledged to myself that I will do my utmost on my studies but yet had lost control and went back to my gaming friends for a little indulgence. It feels strangely comforting in the midst of my fellow game freaks and just somebody to talk to, my own circle, my own mini online gang. But then again, it also made me feel pathetic and drained because it's all like a drug. I am so hopeless but I didn't care. I am irrevocably broken. Crushed like pounding sand.
If I had a choice, I would chose physical torture over mental any time of the day. My own mind is driving me to my grave but I hadn't the faintest idea how to stop, to brake. And people kept adding oil to it, making me speed faster and faster...
I love my dad. I also love Rach jie, my sister and my once-normal mother. My estranged happy family.
But now I cannot feel that love, something worse is mercilessly blanketing it. Something else that is viciously eating up the insides of me. And I can't do anything except surrender.
I have sinfully hated my sister for obvious reasons beyond my control and still do now. I want to reach for the reins and yank it back in order, but it's not there. It has blown full-scale and escalated into a dangerously heightened reality that... I can never love my sister the same way again when we were both so innocent, so young, so foolish. So together, so inseparable. This sisterhood was cursed and condemned from the start and now it's an abyss of nothingness. It was as if we were both perfect strangers. In fact, we already are now.
I knew what was hurting me so much. I held steadfast onto the blissful memories of my sister and I together in the old, carefree days when we were actually really sisters. The lingering past when she and I are a part of each other. The mesmerizing hold of her hand, the beautiful tinkle of her laughter, and her selfless soul twined with mine. Back than, so long we had each other, it didn't matter if the world ended. But now my world has.
I guess I am asking for a bit much. Things change, and so do people. I wished I could let go and forget those precious memories. They make me ache painfully; deeply instead. We have drifted apart. It will never be the same. I have lost the grip on her hand and am now walking aimlessly in space.
I embrace loneliness. Sweet solace.
Hallelujah. I am officially crazy. ;)
| Germaine .†. 1:08 AM -----------------------------------
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Greetings, people.
First and foremost, I would like to apologize to all my benevolent readers for recklessly closing my blog down last month, putting you guys through so much anxiety, and only managing to write now after waiting so long. I seek your forgiveness and hope all of you could give me another chance to revive my blog and make it as exhilarating again as before. ツ
I would also like to extend my thanks and gratitude to all avid, supportive readers of my blog; my beloved family and friends for being so persistent and determined in pushing me to continue writing, pumping the faith back in me that I thought I would never feel again, for pulling me back to my senses when I teetered dangerously on the edge, for giving me the slightest glimmer of hope that all is not lost, that somehow in this godforsaken world we live in, I had to be loved and cherished by someone, at least one person if not plural. Thank you so, very much, everybody. Thank you for sticking by me and not choosing to stay away even with my constant moodiness; depressions, and emotional swings, for helping to keep my head up above water and dragging me safely to shore, for being enthusiastic even when I'm not at my best; and most importantly, for not giving up on me. I am now able to reign in my feelings and emotions and control them better, with every one of you by my side. I love you all! I won't ever stop writing and disappointing you guys again. ♥
Unfortunately, even though I am already starting to update my blog now, I will not have as much time as before to post every single day. o(╥﹏╥)o
I have to concentrate more on my revisions if I hope to obtain my desired 'O' level certificate by around next year, and this time, I am going to force myself not to listen to the people who never even lent me an ounce of support, who had tried to crush me mercilessly before by saying I shouldn't aim for the moon when I can't even reach for the stars, who had trampled on what little self-esteem I had, who made me lost almost all confidence in studying, and in short, just plain giving me a damned hard time. Unsurprisingly, these people are also related to me, otherwise I wouldn't have as much trouble blocking them out as I would have to outsiders. I will not say who, because at least, unlike some others, I am not a snitch. I respect their privacies and I do not simply broadcast news that will lead to even more gossip and eventually, chaos. I want the peace that is always and often eluding me. Regrettably, being the only person in a family chain without even a Kindergarten certificate of honor, pride and recognition is not doing wonders for me. (laughs sarcastically) I try and try not to let them get to me; that they are just pushing my limits for their own sadistic fun, that they will eventually have to get off my back, but time and again, I break and fall to pieces, only to have to glue it up altogether, leaving atrocious marks - scars deep within my wretched soul, and the cycle repeats until the day I become nothingness. I have said it before and I shall say it again: humans are so repugnant! Even if I'm one of them!
Perhaps my immunity shield isn't strong enough. I have tried to refine or upgrade my shield without much success. =_= I will have to scrounge up new ways to strengthen it soon, before I lose my sanity. Maybe I am just being overly-sensitive. But either way, nothing will be able to disguise my execrating loathing for the people, related or not, (but mostly related... Shame, eh?) who had made me go through immeasurable pain yet they think it's normal to do so. (sighs exasperatingly) I can handle the outsiders, it's not too bad actually, but for my related enemies, I would very much love to stay as far away from them as possible but I can't seem to do it. They are there everyday. How long can I go hiding from them? They will visit. They will come. They are also linked to the people whom I do love. And I have no choice but to put on a smiley mask over my abhorrent face, unless I am longing for bedlam, a showdown. Secrets I had to carry with me to my grave. And of course I know that all I ever had to do is to simply ignore them and carry on doing with what I think and feel is right, and with time, I can easily put their foot in their mouths when I do improve... If I improve. But It's hard. I can't figure out what is the problem with me. Somehow I would always get affected just hearing them talk crap about me. I still feel like there is something not right with my life. And I still feel sad amidst my normal, casual self. I am deceiving my feelings.
What a world, huh.
But I am thankful to God nevertheless for there are other people across the globe facing off even worse than my own trivial sub-conscious problems. I have held onto this fact forever ever since I realized I needed it to survive.
Okay, I better change the subject before it just gets too depressing. (weak smile) let's start with some happier news.
So anyway, a lot have happened during the past month I was absent from blogging. I went back to my hometown Singapore, staying only for less than a week, but still managed to visit my teacher Rachel jie for the first time and my elder sister. Although we had originally planned to spend the whole day together and go catch a movie, it was cut short suddenly when sis needed to attend to her business client and Rach jie needed to go look after her grandmother soon. But we still had fun nonetheless, even if we only got to spend half a day. We talked as we walked; ate a bag of delicious shaker fries at McDonald's, and just plain chill. Mostly we just shared our problems, and offering advice on how to solve them. Annoyingly, sis is always constantly on her irritating iPhone, interrupting a number of conversations. However I guess I can't really blame her... Her calls mean money. But I wished at least, just for a day, she can give her full undivided attention without her iPhone ringing off the hook every second. If that happens, I'm going to list it in the Guinness Book of World Records. (giggles) yep sis. You're that bad.
Here are some pictures that I took during our outing. Enjoy. ◕‿◕
From top to bottom:Rach jie and sis, me and Rach jie, me and Rach jie chilling at a library, me and Rach jie chilling at a library part 2, me and Rach jie posing in front of a departmental store, me and my sis, my sis, me and Rach jie smiling for the camera, and finally - aunt Ivy, sis, Rach jie and me posing together.
Haha.. I bet you noticed that I removed my spectacles in some of the photos. I just think I looked a little better without them. xP
Okay, I need to go already. I promise to update as soon as possible, kays? ♥
Hope you guys had enjoyed reading this post and the pictures too. ツ