name. Germaine Lai gender. FemaLe age. 16 dob. 23 Nov 1993 astrological sign. sagittaRius zodiac. rOosteR buddies. quality is always betteR than quantity ..♥ emails. ggermainee@hotmail.com or ggermainee@yahoo.com Click at y0ur own risK :X
. junk food
. sour candy
. sweet chocolates
. animals
. day & night dreaming
. my fabulous father
. my gorgeous sister
. genuine people
. world peace
. a normal, if not happy, family
. for my mother to be her old self again
. for my sister to be successful all the way through
. for my father not to work so hard and to relax a little
. for myself not to be so pathetic in life
. everything ...
. abusers
. liars
. certain insects
. people who take me for granted
. people who make fun of me
. gossipers
. backstabbers
. betrayers
. rude and uncouth people
. hypocrites
. pretenders
. selfish, greedy & thoughtless people
Thursday, April 29, 2010
It's one of those days again.
Hey, all. I am sorry I didn't manage to keep my blog as up-to-date as possible like I promised, but time kept whizzing past me and so much had happened...
Here's the lowdown: my grandmother is recently hospitalized about 2 or 3 days ago, and shortly after she got landed into ICU. Doctors say it is expected, and that her condition isn't looking too hot. Although I and my grandmother often had this mini-wall wedged in between us, I have to admit, seeing her lie down there covered with tubes, needles and bags doesn't give me any satisfaction. It made me almost wished that she could quickly recover, come back home with us, nag me to death, pelt me with unnecessary insults, slice my heart and throw my blood and just be herself all over again. It sounds a little absurd, and I know I am mentally unsound, but that's grandma. She has managed to penetrate and seep into my unwilling veins, becoming a part of me. I have grown accustomed to her daily flake. I am, damned.
I always sounded so happy; so sure and so positive in some of my posts, but actually it is all a facade. My heart's already blackened like charcoal, my soul is in delirium, and all my feelings in a tumultuous state of despair. I am running deeper into my own quicksand each passing hour. I can never be whole again.
I am, losing it. I can't believe myself. Lately I just seemed to loathe everybody who even talked about me, stared at me. What happened to my mother? Why don't I have school? Why do I keep hearing the same things over and over and over again? Why can't they talk about something new for a change, that I haven't heard before? Why are those people related to us are even more callous then the ones who aren't even linked to us in blood? What is, wrong with me?
I have committed a serious crime. I pledged to myself that I will do my utmost on my studies but yet had lost control and went back to my gaming friends for a little indulgence. It feels strangely comforting in the midst of my fellow game freaks and just somebody to talk to, my own circle, my own mini online gang. But then again, it also made me feel pathetic and drained because it's all like a drug. I am so hopeless but I didn't care. I am irrevocably broken. Crushed like pounding sand.
If I had a choice, I would chose physical torture over mental any time of the day. My own mind is driving me to my grave but I hadn't the faintest idea how to stop, to brake. And people kept adding oil to it, making me speed faster and faster...
I love my dad. I also love Rach jie, my sister and my once-normal mother. My estranged happy family.
But now I cannot feel that love, something worse is mercilessly blanketing it. Something else that is viciously eating up the insides of me. And I can't do anything except surrender.
I have sinfully hated my sister for obvious reasons beyond my control and still do now. I want to reach for the reins and yank it back in order, but it's not there. It has blown full-scale and escalated into a dangerously heightened reality that... I can never love my sister the same way again when we were both so innocent, so young, so foolish. So together, so inseparable. This sisterhood was cursed and condemned from the start and now it's an abyss of nothingness. It was as if we were both perfect strangers. In fact, we already are now.
I knew what was hurting me so much. I held steadfast onto the blissful memories of my sister and I together in the old, carefree days when we were actually really sisters. The lingering past when she and I are a part of each other. The mesmerizing hold of her hand, the beautiful tinkle of her laughter, and her selfless soul twined with mine. Back than, so long we had each other, it didn't matter if the world ended. But now my world has.
I guess I am asking for a bit much. Things change, and so do people. I wished I could let go and forget those precious memories. They make me ache painfully; deeply instead. We have drifted apart. It will never be the same. I have lost the grip on her hand and am now walking aimlessly in space.
I embrace loneliness. Sweet solace.
Hallelujah. I am officially crazy. ;)
| Germaine .†. 1:08 AM -----------------------------------
