I am so very sorry. This will be my last post here and from hereon I will not be writing in my blog anymore.

I apologize for my blog that I've invested so much of my time, effort and soul in it only to bring it to an abrupt halt just like that.

I just don't feel like I want to continue writing anymore. I will be frank with you. Life, all this while, has actually held no meaning for me. I lied, okay? In fact, I am aware my writing doesn't even have a standard like what those highly educated professional people have. Or at least just plain educated with a good certificate to get by. I am a lowly educated, or perhaps not even educated at all slightly retarded as well as an illiterate teenage girl who has been pretending for most of her lifetime. And, here's another alarming fact I am going to let you guys know:

Even though I have my loving father, sister, Rach jie, and all these dear people close to me, I am still dead on the inside. On the front, I pretend I am okay and put on a strong face and I thought I could bluff and tell myself, "hey girl, you're not that bad. You can do it" but the fact is, deep down, there is really nothing I feel. I have become numb. There's only emptiness in me. The damage is too great. In fact I think I even have mental issues with myself, let alone my mother.

I am only consoling myself. Trying to ease my incurable pain by thinking of things that never were. Dreaming. Hiding from the ugly truth. Pretending I am a normal girl with just some tiny little differences but nobody should notice them much. Living only for the sake of living.

In a basket load of normal, good apples, there is one rotten apple sticking out like an eyesore. No matter how many times you peel or cut away the rotted flesh, in the end, people will still look at you one kind and think perhaps more than just thrice before eating you, for fear of getting a horrible stomachache. And you will STILL be the ONLY apple DIFFERENT from all the others. You'd still stand out like a maggot amongst a bed of roses. Like a screwworm amongst a group of butterflies. Like a black sheep amongst a herd of white sheep.

I am unfortunately, sadly that rotten apple, maggot, screwworm as well as that black sheep. Unless a miracle happened and I became some kind of famous movie star or a top model, maybe it still wouldn't be too bad but then, like I said, I would definitely need more than just a simple miracle even for that to happen!

I learn all my English from reading American comic books, like The Archies series. You can google it. I have been engrossed in them ever since after my elder sister taught me the basic Alphabet and how to read and write until now. When people found out that collecting and reading The Archies comics is one of my hobbies, (I had already expected what their reaction would be) they laughed, and chided me for wasting money and time on comics.

But what they don't know is, without my Archie comics, I don't think I will even be able to write at all let alone read right now!!! By than I'd be really hopelessly fully illiterate and retarded with shit for brains! I would be even worse than a handicap because I am a normal person (meaning, no sort of disabilities whatsoever) yet I cannot read nor write! Or speak!

I am not saying I want to commit suicide. I would have, only because I do not have the guts or courage to kill myself. I am saying, should death ever darken my doorstep one day, I would gladly welcome it with open arms. I know it sounds gross. But I think, given my kind of situation, death is much better than staying alive and being the pinhead in a bowling alley lane waiting for people to knock me down as they wished. I can't immune myself to it much longer. It's getting to me.

I try never to get myself too involved with other people and only talk when necessary but I am always STILL being compared to those naturally better off than me (a fine example would be my elder sister and me. If the world knows my sis goes to a prestigious institute in Singapore and about to get her diploma, her dream job, her dream car, everything, whereas her younger sister and that's ME, never had school, has lower-than-a-snake's-belly-button low education, only good at doing chores and a little bit of this and that, what do you think?) I know those people have nothing better to do and only compares those worse off than themselves so they feel better inside. But I hate to be one of the subjects. I hate to be used like a sheet of toilet paper and then swiftly discarded only to be recycled and the whole thing starts all over again. I mean geez, don't these people ever feel tired of comparing stuff all the time?

One thing is certain.

Should I wind up as a lowly and hardly respected road sweeper, garbage worker, dish washer, floor cleaner, grass cutter, toilet cleaner one day, or worse,

You know these people, although their jobs are not very highly thought of and their salaries are not big, I admire them! I admire them for the way they chose to slog it out and earn money the right way instead of doing crimes and thinking of ways to make money without putting in any effort.

Let's say these employees aren't around to help collect the rubbish, sweep the floor or road, wash the plates, pots and pans, wash the public toilets, and all the gruesomely dirty jobs that will send a shiver down your spine once you think of it, will YOU do it? Even though the pay is not very good? The measly money they earn is all they have to support themselves or their families. They work round the clock because they do not have much of a choice. While the rest of us are living in big comfortable houses with air-conditioning, a color television, a computer, a laptop, a video game device, cellphones, good food, everything. And some still complain of having not enough. =_=ll

Even a dollar goes a loooooooong way for those needy people and charities.

That is why even if I get a job that nobody else would most likely want to have, I will not feel shy about it!

Okay I wanna sleep. Last words before I go:

Papa, Ah Jie, Rach jie, Yani, uncle Eric and aunt Christina, Sabrina jie, Meijie, my friends and all dear to me,

You are the best. I love you all. Just don't end up like me. Cherish what you have, cherish your studies, your education, cherish your family or loved ones, and help others when in need.

My life has already been cursed from the moment I was born. I cannot salvage much. It's pointless.

But I will try to keep alive and continue to do my best as a beating punch bag for the others and with luck, perhaps I will get into a fatal accident one day and my wish for eternal peace and tranquility will be granted. Then I wouldn't have to be a burden to everyone too. I'd spare my dad the shame when guests ask him questions. Or have to embarrass my sister in front of her friends when they asks her about me.

NOTE! Although my dad or sis might not care nor mind what people will think of him / her when they find out about me, I CARE because I have pride! I HATE when people aimed for my father and always thinks he is the one at fault for making my life like this but no. You're dead wrong. And my sister has dignity. Her pride is highly important in her workforce. If word gets around that my sister is connected to a nobody like me, she would be ruined and it will be all my fault. This is MY problem, and MY problem that is dragging everyone else down! Don't you see?

Don't bother encouraging me.

Don't let me cling onto any false hopes that my life may turn out for the better. It is no use.

My soul's dead. It can never be revived. It's only my body that's alive and talking and putting on a normal smiling face, when all else has already rotted away inside. I feel like a robot.

A robot amongst a group of human beings. The abnormal one. The unusual one. The strange one. The weird one. (laughs)

A robot programmed only to sleep, eat, do chores, do whatever my dad needs help with, do a bit of this and that, go out in a family group and pretend to smile and laugh, pretend...

Pretend's a cursed word.

One more important thing: I am not writing all this out of anger. Every bit of word that I had said is entirely true. You may take it or leave it.

I live only for what's left of my remaining family members, my father and sister. I know they really truly love me despite my hideous background, my pathetic condition, my worthless status. I think they're just too seriously busy to show it. If (touchwood) should the day comes that they either broke ties with me or, is too ashamed to admit to the world that I am his daughter / her younger sister,

I WILL die. No kidding. I will not hesitate to grab a knife and thrust it through my own heart, jump off a skyscraper, or drink / eat poison. Besides it won't make even a slight difference if one less person is gone on earth.

I am tired. This is my last and final sentence. Farewell my dear readers. I sincerely hoped you guys enjoyed reading my blog and will not mind my putrid English. Once again I am sorry I had to close this blog down. I don't trust nor believe in myself anymore. Everyone is laughing, always laughing, at me... It's like 99.99% of the world's population is in a conspiracy against me. How long can I go on?

Life, suck. ♥ It was all a big mistake. I shouldn't be born.

.March 2010
.April 2010
.May 2010
.June 2010
.July 2010

.my awesome sister michelle ツ.
.my cousin yani ツ.
.sherilyn ツ.
.sonny ツ.
.alicia ツ.
.xuefeng ツ.
.glitter ツ.
.my cousin yewjie (online boutique) ツ.
.michael and kelly (online boutique) ツ.
.♥ this link for rent.
.♥ this link for rent.
.♥ this link for rent.


*designer: lon3l*