name. Germaine Lai gender. FemaLe age. 16 dob. 23 Nov 1993 astrological sign. sagittaRius zodiac. rOosteR buddies. quality is always betteR than quantity ..♥ emails. ggermainee@hotmail.com or ggermainee@yahoo.com Click at y0ur own risK :X
. junk food
. sour candy
. sweet chocolates
. animals
. day & night dreaming
. my fabulous father
. my gorgeous sister
. genuine people
. world peace
. a normal, if not happy, family
. for my mother to be her old self again
. for my sister to be successful all the way through
. for my father not to work so hard and to relax a little
. for myself not to be so pathetic in life
. everything ...
. abusers
. liars
. certain insects
. people who take me for granted
. people who make fun of me
. gossipers
. backstabbers
. betrayers
. rude and uncouth people
. hypocrites
. pretenders
. selfish, greedy & thoughtless people
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Okay.. I am finally writing something in my rusted blog. Haha.
But this is a special post. It is for the two people whom I had befriended recently, online... Kiming and Rong...
I had drawn a picture, the angel is me while the rose represents Kiming and Rong.
Friendship is very important. We should not let petty matters like grudges and the like destroy such a beautiful thing. I certainly hope, for my sake, you two will get along and be more understanding towards one another.
And stop fighting over me.... Lol. There is no need for World War 3. D:
I have done all I can. I sincerely wish you will come back to the guild, Rong. You and Kiming are my first few friends in MFO. ^^
I am so very sorry.. I knew I had promised you guys before that I would keep writing in my blog as frequently as I could, yet I am unable to stick to that promise.
It's just that, I find nothing interesting in my life to share about anymore. Everyday is almost always the same old monotonous routine. The bit of colors seeps out of my soul and drains the happiness of life slowly and surely, sucking all the joy out of it and throwing my world into a pitch-black darkness full of bitterness.
I wished I could get over all this unnecessary emotional sufferings and just be simply happy. To go through each day without a painful wound in my heart and heavy boulders being chained to my feet. But this persistent shroud of depression wraps around me like a snake, unwilling to release.
If I could ask for anything in the world; I'd want peace for my soul and to stop feeling so bitter, so full of hatred everyday. The worst part is, I had to conceal my real feelings in front of my family and people and forced to put on a happy, normal front every time. Nobody will ever know how I really and truly felt inside. It's like some demon tearing me up apart and throwing the bits and pieces everywhere, making sure I'd never find my way.
It definitely doesn't help matters anymore now that my father's woman (Aunt Ivy) has come to live with us. I am not saying Aunt Ivy is a completely bad person. She did take care of my dad and kept him company, as well as looking after my grandmother. So long my father is happy being with her, I can sacrifice anything. But she tends to look down on damned people like me, and particularly on me. As if my own grandmother aren't enough to add to my troubles already.
And whoever else associated with me, Aunt Ivy damns them too. Just like the time she commented about my God-sister Rachel jie. It was during a conversation between my elder sister and her, and then she said something pretty unpleasant. I do not wish to go into this in detail, because it's useless to repeat anyway. But it sure doesn't felt nice.
I even stopped revising for my O levels already. I just could not concentrate. Too many people are beating up my insides everyday. I am only human. I have limits too.
Could this be the turning point into something worse? I don't know. I cannot even complete my O levels successfully. I wasted Rachel jie and my elder sister's efforts too. The word "WORTHLESS GIRL" keeps flashing in front of my eyes the moment I wakes up and stayed with me until the time I go to sleep and it will always be there forever. Yes. Germaine, the hopeless girl who wastes everyone's time.
I never get encouragement here. Rather it's the other way round. Maybe that is why I'm having such a hard time seeing through things. Or maybe there is just something wrong with me, period.
I feel exceptionally tired these days. Perhaps my wishes are coming true and I'm coming down with a disease. If it is so, I hope it is a terminal one. I don't want to live a second longer. I am not ashamed to say I have been praying to God all along just to ask him to let me die a little faster and rid me of all my worldly problems. Something is dreadfully wrong with me. I think I have blown a fuse somewhere in the depths of my brain. I don't want to have to keep bothering people and possibly making them fall into the quicksand with me. I tried to feel God but failed many times. Am I destined to be damned above and below as well?
Is it just me, or am I having an attitude disorder of some sort? Am I meant to feel this way for as long as I live?
Why does happiness leave me every time I think of it; thought of that. No matter how hard I fought against it, I still get sucked down into the black hole of misery. Perhaps I am asking for too much? Not trying hard enough? Am not content or, is just utterly stupid?
It's driving me crazy yet I couldn't do anything about it. I should become a nun. Free from all these feelings that has me tied up like a puppet, emotions that are eating away what's left of my soul.
Why... For heavens' sake, do I let people, let them affect me so much? Why is it that I just cannot ignore their repetitive comments, gossips, sneers? Had I heard so much now it becomes a cauldron of boiling poison buried deep within me with no hope of ever dispelling it? I know those who are good people will never say nor think I am useless, but still.. I feel that I am. I need to get away from humanity. The society is so cruel, so ruthless. Or maybe I'm the weak one.
I don't know how I can ever forgive myself for feeling this way towards my own blood sister. I must be insane. I have been corrupted to the extent that I am now sinfully jealous of her. Jealously. It's a born curse. I really shouldn't deserve my sister. She has been so good to me in ways you cannot imagine, yet I couldn't help myself but wished that somehow, our relations never existed at all. How much longer am I able to stand this, before my own mind drives me completely bonkers?
I loved my sister very much, too much to be exact. Now it's hurting me.
Hey, all. I am sorry I didn't manage to keep my blog as up-to-date as possible like I promised, but time kept whizzing past me and so much had happened...
Here's the lowdown: my grandmother is recently hospitalized about 2 or 3 days ago, and shortly after she got landed into ICU. Doctors say it is expected, and that her condition isn't looking too hot. Although I and my grandmother often had this mini-wall wedged in between us, I have to admit, seeing her lie down there covered with tubes, needles and bags doesn't give me any satisfaction. It made me almost wished that she could quickly recover, come back home with us, nag me to death, pelt me with unnecessary insults, slice my heart and throw my blood and just be herself all over again. It sounds a little absurd, and I know I am mentally unsound, but that's grandma. She has managed to penetrate and seep into my unwilling veins, becoming a part of me. I have grown accustomed to her daily flake. I am, damned.
I always sounded so happy; so sure and so positive in some of my posts, but actually it is all a facade. My heart's already blackened like charcoal, my soul is in delirium, and all my feelings in a tumultuous state of despair. I am running deeper into my own quicksand each passing hour. I can never be whole again.
I am, losing it. I can't believe myself. Lately I just seemed to loathe everybody who even talked about me, stared at me. What happened to my mother? Why don't I have school? Why do I keep hearing the same things over and over and over again? Why can't they talk about something new for a change, that I haven't heard before? Why are those people related to us are even more callous then the ones who aren't even linked to us in blood? What is, wrong with me?
I have committed a serious crime. I pledged to myself that I will do my utmost on my studies but yet had lost control and went back to my gaming friends for a little indulgence. It feels strangely comforting in the midst of my fellow game freaks and just somebody to talk to, my own circle, my own mini online gang. But then again, it also made me feel pathetic and drained because it's all like a drug. I am so hopeless but I didn't care. I am irrevocably broken. Crushed like pounding sand.
If I had a choice, I would chose physical torture over mental any time of the day. My own mind is driving me to my grave but I hadn't the faintest idea how to stop, to brake. And people kept adding oil to it, making me speed faster and faster...
I love my dad. I also love Rach jie, my sister and my once-normal mother. My estranged happy family.
But now I cannot feel that love, something worse is mercilessly blanketing it. Something else that is viciously eating up the insides of me. And I can't do anything except surrender.
I have sinfully hated my sister for obvious reasons beyond my control and still do now. I want to reach for the reins and yank it back in order, but it's not there. It has blown full-scale and escalated into a dangerously heightened reality that... I can never love my sister the same way again when we were both so innocent, so young, so foolish. So together, so inseparable. This sisterhood was cursed and condemned from the start and now it's an abyss of nothingness. It was as if we were both perfect strangers. In fact, we already are now.
I knew what was hurting me so much. I held steadfast onto the blissful memories of my sister and I together in the old, carefree days when we were actually really sisters. The lingering past when she and I are a part of each other. The mesmerizing hold of her hand, the beautiful tinkle of her laughter, and her selfless soul twined with mine. Back than, so long we had each other, it didn't matter if the world ended. But now my world has.
I guess I am asking for a bit much. Things change, and so do people. I wished I could let go and forget those precious memories. They make me ache painfully; deeply instead. We have drifted apart. It will never be the same. I have lost the grip on her hand and am now walking aimlessly in space.
I embrace loneliness. Sweet solace.
Hallelujah. I am officially crazy. ;)
| Germaine .†. 1:08 AM -----------------------------------
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Greetings, people.
First and foremost, I would like to apologize to all my benevolent readers for recklessly closing my blog down last month, putting you guys through so much anxiety, and only managing to write now after waiting so long. I seek your forgiveness and hope all of you could give me another chance to revive my blog and make it as exhilarating again as before. ツ
I would also like to extend my thanks and gratitude to all avid, supportive readers of my blog; my beloved family and friends for being so persistent and determined in pushing me to continue writing, pumping the faith back in me that I thought I would never feel again, for pulling me back to my senses when I teetered dangerously on the edge, for giving me the slightest glimmer of hope that all is not lost, that somehow in this godforsaken world we live in, I had to be loved and cherished by someone, at least one person if not plural. Thank you so, very much, everybody. Thank you for sticking by me and not choosing to stay away even with my constant moodiness; depressions, and emotional swings, for helping to keep my head up above water and dragging me safely to shore, for being enthusiastic even when I'm not at my best; and most importantly, for not giving up on me. I am now able to reign in my feelings and emotions and control them better, with every one of you by my side. I love you all! I won't ever stop writing and disappointing you guys again. ♥
Unfortunately, even though I am already starting to update my blog now, I will not have as much time as before to post every single day. o(╥﹏╥)o
I have to concentrate more on my revisions if I hope to obtain my desired 'O' level certificate by around next year, and this time, I am going to force myself not to listen to the people who never even lent me an ounce of support, who had tried to crush me mercilessly before by saying I shouldn't aim for the moon when I can't even reach for the stars, who had trampled on what little self-esteem I had, who made me lost almost all confidence in studying, and in short, just plain giving me a damned hard time. Unsurprisingly, these people are also related to me, otherwise I wouldn't have as much trouble blocking them out as I would have to outsiders. I will not say who, because at least, unlike some others, I am not a snitch. I respect their privacies and I do not simply broadcast news that will lead to even more gossip and eventually, chaos. I want the peace that is always and often eluding me. Regrettably, being the only person in a family chain without even a Kindergarten certificate of honor, pride and recognition is not doing wonders for me. (laughs sarcastically) I try and try not to let them get to me; that they are just pushing my limits for their own sadistic fun, that they will eventually have to get off my back, but time and again, I break and fall to pieces, only to have to glue it up altogether, leaving atrocious marks - scars deep within my wretched soul, and the cycle repeats until the day I become nothingness. I have said it before and I shall say it again: humans are so repugnant! Even if I'm one of them!
Perhaps my immunity shield isn't strong enough. I have tried to refine or upgrade my shield without much success. =_= I will have to scrounge up new ways to strengthen it soon, before I lose my sanity. Maybe I am just being overly-sensitive. But either way, nothing will be able to disguise my execrating loathing for the people, related or not, (but mostly related... Shame, eh?) who had made me go through immeasurable pain yet they think it's normal to do so. (sighs exasperatingly) I can handle the outsiders, it's not too bad actually, but for my related enemies, I would very much love to stay as far away from them as possible but I can't seem to do it. They are there everyday. How long can I go hiding from them? They will visit. They will come. They are also linked to the people whom I do love. And I have no choice but to put on a smiley mask over my abhorrent face, unless I am longing for bedlam, a showdown. Secrets I had to carry with me to my grave. And of course I know that all I ever had to do is to simply ignore them and carry on doing with what I think and feel is right, and with time, I can easily put their foot in their mouths when I do improve... If I improve. But It's hard. I can't figure out what is the problem with me. Somehow I would always get affected just hearing them talk crap about me. I still feel like there is something not right with my life. And I still feel sad amidst my normal, casual self. I am deceiving my feelings.
What a world, huh.
But I am thankful to God nevertheless for there are other people across the globe facing off even worse than my own trivial sub-conscious problems. I have held onto this fact forever ever since I realized I needed it to survive.
Okay, I better change the subject before it just gets too depressing. (weak smile) let's start with some happier news.
So anyway, a lot have happened during the past month I was absent from blogging. I went back to my hometown Singapore, staying only for less than a week, but still managed to visit my teacher Rachel jie for the first time and my elder sister. Although we had originally planned to spend the whole day together and go catch a movie, it was cut short suddenly when sis needed to attend to her business client and Rach jie needed to go look after her grandmother soon. But we still had fun nonetheless, even if we only got to spend half a day. We talked as we walked; ate a bag of delicious shaker fries at McDonald's, and just plain chill. Mostly we just shared our problems, and offering advice on how to solve them. Annoyingly, sis is always constantly on her irritating iPhone, interrupting a number of conversations. However I guess I can't really blame her... Her calls mean money. But I wished at least, just for a day, she can give her full undivided attention without her iPhone ringing off the hook every second. If that happens, I'm going to list it in the Guinness Book of World Records. (giggles) yep sis. You're that bad.
Here are some pictures that I took during our outing. Enjoy. ◕‿◕
From top to bottom:Rach jie and sis, me and Rach jie, me and Rach jie chilling at a library, me and Rach jie chilling at a library part 2, me and Rach jie posing in front of a departmental store, me and my sis, my sis, me and Rach jie smiling for the camera, and finally - aunt Ivy, sis, Rach jie and me posing together.
Haha.. I bet you noticed that I removed my spectacles in some of the photos. I just think I looked a little better without them. xP
Okay, I need to go already. I promise to update as soon as possible, kays? ♥
Hope you guys had enjoyed reading this post and the pictures too. ツ
Everyone... I have a very unpleasant confession to make.
I am so very sorry. This will be my last post here and from hereon I will not be writing in my blog anymore.
I apologize for my blog that I've invested so much of my time, effort and soul in it only to bring it to an abrupt halt just like that.
I just don't feel like I want to continue writing anymore. I will be frank with you. Life, all this while, has actually held no meaning for me. I lied, okay? In fact, I am aware my writing doesn't even have a standard like what those highly educated professional people have. Or at least just plain educated with a good certificate to get by. I am a lowly educated, or perhaps not even educated at all slightly retarded as well as an illiterate teenage girl who has been pretending for most of her lifetime. And, here's another alarming fact I am going to let you guys know:
Even though I have my loving father, sister, Rach jie, and all these dear people close to me, I am still dead on the inside. On the front, I pretend I am okay and put on a strong face and I thought I could bluff and tell myself, "hey girl, you're not that bad. You can do it" but the fact is, deep down, there is really nothing I feel. I have become numb. There's only emptiness in me. The damage is too great. In fact I think I even have mental issues with myself, let alone my mother.
I am only consoling myself. Trying to ease my incurable pain by thinking of things that never were. Dreaming. Hiding from the ugly truth. Pretending I am a normal girl with just some tiny little differences but nobody should notice them much. Living only for the sake of living.
In a basket load of normal, good apples, there is one rotten apple sticking out like an eyesore. No matter how many times you peel or cut away the rotted flesh, in the end, people will still look at you one kind and think perhaps more than just thrice before eating you, for fear of getting a horrible stomachache. And you will STILL be the ONLY apple DIFFERENT from all the others. You'd still stand out like a maggot amongst a bed of roses. Like a screwworm amongst a group of butterflies. Like a black sheep amongst a herd of white sheep.
I am unfortunately, sadly that rotten apple, maggot, screwworm as well as that black sheep. Unless a miracle happened and I became some kind of famous movie star or a top model, maybe it still wouldn't be too bad but then, like I said, I would definitely need more than just a simple miracle even for that to happen!
I learn all my English from reading American comic books, like The Archies series. You can google it. I have been engrossed in them ever since after my elder sister taught me the basic Alphabet and how to read and write until now. When people found out that collecting and reading The Archies comics is one of my hobbies, (I had already expected what their reaction would be) they laughed, and chided me for wasting money and time on comics.
But what they don't know is, without my Archie comics, I don't think I will even be able to write at all let alone read right now!!! By than I'd be really hopelessly fully illiterate and retarded with shit for brains! I would be even worse than a handicap because I am a normal person (meaning, no sort of disabilities whatsoever) yet I cannot read nor write! Or speak!
I am not saying I want to commit suicide. I would have, only because I do not have the guts or courage to kill myself. I am saying, should death ever darken my doorstep one day, I would gladly welcome it with open arms. I know it sounds gross. But I think, given my kind of situation, death is much better than staying alive and being the pinhead in a bowling alley lane waiting for people to knock me down as they wished. I can't immune myself to it much longer. It's getting to me.
I try never to get myself too involved with other people and only talk when necessary but I am always STILL being compared to those naturally better off than me (a fine example would be my elder sister and me. If the world knows my sis goes to a prestigious institute in Singapore and about to get her diploma, her dream job, her dream car, everything, whereas her younger sister and that's ME, never had school, has lower-than-a-snake's-belly-button low education, only good at doing chores and a little bit of this and that, what do you think?) I know those people have nothing better to do and only compares those worse off than themselves so they feel better inside. But I hate to be one of the subjects. I hate to be used like a sheet of toilet paper and then swiftly discarded only to be recycled and the whole thing starts all over again. I mean geez, don't these people ever feel tired of comparing stuff all the time?
One thing is certain.
Should I wind up as a lowly and hardly respected road sweeper, garbage worker, dish washer, floor cleaner, grass cutter, toilet cleaner one day, or worse,
At least I will be earning an honest living on my own and working hard for my money to support myself. And should I die, at least I will die with a clear conscience.
You know these people, although their jobs are not very highly thought of and their salaries are not big, I admire them! I admire them for the way they chose to slog it out and earn money the right way instead of doing crimes and thinking of ways to make money without putting in any effort.
Let's say these employees aren't around to help collect the rubbish, sweep the floor or road, wash the plates, pots and pans, wash the public toilets, and all the gruesomely dirty jobs that will send a shiver down your spine once you think of it, will YOU do it? Even though the pay is not very good? The measly money they earn is all they have to support themselves or their families. They work round the clock because they do not have much of a choice. While the rest of us are living in big comfortable houses with air-conditioning, a color television, a computer, a laptop, a video game device, cellphones, good food, everything. And some still complain of having not enough. =_=ll
Even a dollar goes a loooooooong way for those needy people and charities.
That is why even if I get a job that nobody else would most likely want to have, I will not feel shy about it!
Okay I wanna sleep. Last words before I go:
Papa, Ah Jie, Rach jie, Yani, uncle Eric and aunt Christina, Sabrina jie, Meijie, my friends and all dear to me,
You are the best. I love you all. Just don't end up like me. Cherish what you have, cherish your studies, your education, cherish your family or loved ones, and help others when in need.
My life has already been cursed from the moment I was born. I cannot salvage much. It's pointless.
But I will try to keep alive and continue to do my best as a beating punch bag for the others and with luck, perhaps I will get into a fatal accident one day and my wish for eternal peace and tranquility will be granted. Then I wouldn't have to be a burden to everyone too. I'd spare my dad the shame when guests ask him questions. Or have to embarrass my sister in front of her friends when they asks her about me.
NOTE! Although my dad or sis might not care nor mind what people will think of him / her when they find out about me, I CARE because I have pride! I HATE when people aimed for my father and always thinks he is the one at fault for making my life like this but no. You're dead wrong. And my sister has dignity. Her pride is highly important in her workforce. If word gets around that my sister is connected to a nobody like me, she would be ruined and it will be all my fault. This is MY problem, and MY problem that is dragging everyone else down! Don't you see?
Don't bother encouraging me.
Don't let me cling onto any false hopes that my life may turn out for the better. It is no use.
My soul's dead. It can never be revived. It's only my body that's alive and talking and putting on a normal smiling face, when all else has already rotted away inside. I feel like a robot.
A robot amongst a group of human beings. The abnormal one. The unusual one. The strange one. The weird one. (laughs)
A robot programmed only to sleep, eat, do chores, do whatever my dad needs help with, do a bit of this and that, go out in a family group and pretend to smile and laugh, pretend...
Pretend's a cursed word.
One more important thing: I am not writing all this out of anger. Every bit of word that I had said is entirely true. You may take it or leave it.
I live only for what's left of my remaining family members, my father and sister. I know they really truly love me despite my hideous background, my pathetic condition, my worthless status. I think they're just too seriously busy to show it. If (touchwood) should the day comes that they either broke ties with me or, is too ashamed to admit to the world that I am his daughter / her younger sister,
I WILL die. No kidding. I will not hesitate to grab a knife and thrust it through my own heart, jump off a skyscraper, or drink / eat poison. Besides it won't make even a slight difference if one less person is gone on earth.
I am tired. This is my last and final sentence. Farewell my dear readers. I sincerely hoped you guys enjoyed reading my blog and will not mind my putrid English. Once again I am sorry I had to close this blog down. I don't trust nor believe in myself anymore. Everyone is laughing, always laughing, at me... It's like 99.99% of the world's population is in a conspiracy against me. How long can I go on?
Life, suck. ♥ It was all a big mistake. I shouldn't be born.
I am going to have to make this my shortest post ever, because I think I feel a splitting headache coming on. >_<
I will be going back to my hometown Singapore either tomorrow or Monday.
But unfortunately I can't remain there.
I go because my stay in Malaysia is expiring soon, as stated in my passport. Otherwise the authorities would hunt me down and throw me in jail for overstaying, haha.
So, during the time I'm in Singapore, I will not be able to access my blog and update it there. Unless I pay for internet services outside and that's gonna cost a bomb, lol.
Rest assured, I will continue writing once I'm back to Malaysia. =)
Okay, I need to rest. The headache is getting worse. =_=ll
